Touching down on British soil, to the driving wind and rain didn’t do anything to improve my mood. 
Weariness also added to my depression and as we queued with the remainder of the passengers through passport control and baggage collection, it was impossible not to wish I was back in the land of Turkish sunshine. I had managed to text a very quick message to Ahmed before the plane took off but I really needed to talk to him.
As we trudged past customs, my friend suggested we stop for a little breakfast at one of the airport cafés as we had a little time before the transfer bus would pick us up. 
Imagine my surprise when I spotted a familiar and unwelcome individual standing by the arrivals gate clutching a sorry-looking bunch of flowers. It was none other than Serial Shagging Simon, my cheating ex fiancée waiting alongside other friends and relatives welcoming loved ones home.
As he approached us, he said “I remembered you’d be flying home today and looked up your arrival time on the internet; thought you’d like a lift”. As I opened my mouth to tell him that I would rather walk barefoot across broken glass and then bathe in vinegar; my so-called friend shoved me aside and gave him her trolley to push, abandoning me to soldier on with my duty-free laden luggage alone.
Fortuitously, my friend jumped into the front passenger seat of Simon’s car, leaving me to climb into the back. Owing to the three cans of energy drink she had downed on the flight, she wittered on non-stop for the duration of the journey with the cd blaring away in the background; but all was not lost as this provided me with the perfect excuse to have a nap during the drive home.
Once back in the old hometown and with my friend deposited at her flat, Simon decided to take the scenic route to my parents’ house. “I’ve missed you” he said with James Blunt playing in the background. “I’ve never stopped wanting you”. Unimpressed with his declaration and even more so with his choice of music, I pointed out that I wanted to be spoon-fed chocolate mousse by a nubile sex god, but clearly that wasn’t going to be happening any time soon either; and that life was full of disappointments.
“Look, we’ve got to talk” he continued as my parents’ house came into view. “You see the thing is, it’s not working out with me and Sharon …” As he pulled up outside the house and unloaded my cases from the boot. I handed him some spare change I had in my pocket and said “Tell you what Simon, why don’t you take that and go and phone someone who cares”. And with as much dignity as I could muster, I carried my suitcases up the familiar old garden path and into my family home.
“This isn’t over” he shouted at the slamming door.
You GO, girl! Love it!!!
You gotta love a trier!
I’d say you handled that perfectly! “Serial Shagging Simon” – gotta laugh
He’s just misunderstood don’t you know!
Wow…he really had a lot of nerve!
more neck than a giraffe!
‘This isn’t over’ – we sure hope it will run and run!
And that is exactly what I wanted to do to him – run him over!
i can’t believe he would even mention “her” name… done. and. done.
If I had known about your blog back then, trust me you would have been getting a “dear Abby” email!
Wow…how dumb are some men?! “This isn’t over!” hahaha
delusional!
Hehehe had to laugh at the serial shagging name
Loved your response as to him wanting you! You go girl!!
You gotta kiss a few frogs before you move onto that handsome Turkish prince!
Perfect!
That told him. You certainly are ready with the quick retorts, and being “spoon-fed chocolate mousse by a nubile sex god”, sounds divine. 
If you know any nubile sex gods, please send them my way!
Imagine, at one time you actually wanted to marry that pile of …
Lucky escape I say
You are so right! I definitely dodged a bullet there!
Oh, but it is SO over…. Good job! although I don’t know I’d have given him a cent.
*anna
oh yes! He can kiss it!
only in his dreams though….hahahah! phft! some men are so whack…
LOL
What an idiot… you on the other hand, handled the situation perfectly!
I can’t wait to hear more…
I was restrained, which was quite unlike me, fortunately I didn’t have any sharp implements to hand or it may have ended very differently indeed!
Hooray for you! The victory every dumped girl dreams off was yours. I’m sure you savored the moment.
My Grandma always used to tell me that every dog has his day but every bitch has two – I think she may have been right!
Somehow, this ridiculous “come on” has me belly-laughing!
I’d cried me a river over that one!
He had a lot of d@mn gall to show up at the airport like that — good grief! I really liked the bit about having a nubile sex God feeding you chocolate and then handing him change at the end. Well done!
I knew I should have run him over with luggage trolley!
The perfect putdown to Triple S. How cool is that? Hell hath no fury….. you go, girl! And where would we be without Triple S leaving you? I can’t bear to think we’d be missing the honeymoon in Turkey.
Love the name Triple S – but makes him sound more important and sexy than he really is!
LOL!!! So sorry my email server was down today and didn’t see this earlier! I was LOL, Seriously! You must be making this stuff up!
(I know, he’s probably all too real.) Your fan – Kaye
Bless you Kaye! Sadly Simon the Snake is all too real, however, not the first time I have dated a reptile but hopefully the last!
I must have missed what caused the honeymoon for one, but whatever it was it was a blessing in disguise to save you from even more pain. His actions speak loudly it is still all about him and he is not able to see you. You have discovered so much about yourself before unknown. Enjoy your continuing adventure of discovery!!
Never a truer word! And I agree I am on an adventure of discovery and long may it continue!
Some people have the most interesting lives! Hope you return to your happy ever after.
I hope so but I always have my fingers crossed – just in case!
Serial Shagging Simon’s ship has well & truly sailed…
I hope he’s seasick too!
Serial Shagging Simon – love the alliteration
Just keep slamming the door on him 
I have shut and bolted it behind him and thrown away the key!
You handled that very well. You go girl!
It took two weeks away and a holiday romance for me to be able to do that though!
OMG. I’ve been catching up with the tale and I’m just agog. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. This is a movie plot, I swear to god. It is very hard to believe this ex of yours had the balls to show up at the airport. Jesus. Can’t wait for the next installment of the story.
Nice to hear from you Alison and you are so kind with your compliments. I should tell you that it was your advice that has been the inspiration behind the “Honeymoon Stories – so wonderful things do happen when you listen to a kind word from a stranger! And tis true I have had appalling taste in men but I am working on it!
I was just telling a friend about this story today! You crack me up! (that’s a very old expression, you probably are too young
)
You are too kind! And I am an old soul! My Dad has asked when you’re next video’s out as he thinks you’re easier on the eye than Alan Titchmarsh – incidentally he loved the post on Beneficials and dragged my mum straight up to the garden centre to look for some!
It looks to me like that your Altinkum experience made you very strong and you were a bit influenced with the culture… I like your “direct” attitude, there are times that there is no need to be “the cute one” anymore!
You are so right! I think I have developed into a tough old bird now!
Way to tell him to go tink his toy somewhere else…Your Tink is no longer his to tinker with! Shut the Front Door and Get the Fuck Gone! Yay!
Rhonda this sounds like an alternative verse for “I will survive”!
Yeah…put it to music and you are there!
I gasped out loud there when I read that Serial Shagging Simon (love it!) had returned! What a slimeball!! Good on you for telling him where to go!
Love it… it’s not me, it’s you
Love the comeback you told him!!
ha, brilliant!
a girl’s gotta do …………….
Love that ensuite shower…hahahaha
Don’t think I’d want one though!
When does your book come out?
I wish!
At least you can tell the story of such a horrible thing and get a laugh! Maybe I should write about my recent dis-engagement and maybe I’ll feel a little better about it! Haha
All joking aside this has been a very therapeutic journey. I’ve enjoyed laughing at myself and I’ve made some great blogging friends along the way!
When marriage gets involved it can mean a lot of pain, I know too much about that. I can’t wait to take a therapeutic journey myself.
You are hilarious! I literally laughed out loud at this little cafe in Mykonos as the table of old men beside me glared over above their mini espresso cups lol. But seriously the nerve of triple S (thats my name for ur ex now lol)
Why bless you! I love the triple S tag – think its suits the snake very well!
Don’t you just love when they come back after it is too late and you already moved on. It makes you feel good that he knows what he lost.
someone told me this would happen when I was still in the distraught stages and that when it did I would no longer care for I would have moved on – the laws of karma really do work!
You’re nominated for the One Lovely blog award by
http://counselforliving.wordpress.com/#!/cover
Why thank you very much! I am way way behind on my posts at the mo because of my laptop breakdown but I will get to it as soon as I can – thank you once again for thinking of me!
Absolutely! Your blog is thoroughly entertaining.
love this…. where is the next chapter? why don’t you put a page in the menu at the top, with the complete list of the Not A Honeymoon series? so it’s easier for us to find the next chapter…? pretty please?…
What a fab idea – do you think anyone would be interested?
definitely, and much easier to find each chapter…. took me ages to go from 1 …2 … etc
I would put it up at the top, in the menu! it’s better than Bridget’ Jones diaries !
D! Just read this post….didn’t know you had it nicely indexed
so I’ve been reading it rather disjointed all this time 
drat! I’m very happy at the way you handled Simon 
More power to you!!! lol
One of my lovely blogging friends suggested it to me, although I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested but at least now I’m organised! Wasn’t always adept at handling serial shagging simon, I had to reach a low point before I bounced back. Am writing about that particular very public humiliation at the mo so will be running it next week.
Brilliant! Would have loved to see Serial Shagger’s face when you told him to go jump
Some people just have more neck than a giraffe!