No Turkish holiday would be complete without taking the obligatory boat trip, and predictably Ahmed had a “friend” with a boat. So the very next day we joined twenty other tourists for a brief trip to a nearby cove where we could swim before taking advantage of a freshly prepared meal. Turkish Flags festooned the boat and there was no “euro pop” blaring from the speakers on this trip, it was Engelbert, Sinatra and Tom Jones all the way; after all doesn’t everybody love a bit of Sir Tom!
As expected we were going to be accompanied by Ahmed’s brothers and the terrible twins. The girls, Paige and Brittany, whom I later renamed Blank & Blankest, eventually rocked up, after several frantic calls prompting them to leave their beds.
Everybody had boarded by the time they finally graced us with their presence; two less than Angelic visions in white. Blank asked me if the salt water would harm “us xtensions and cryllics”. Having neither, I wasn’t able to offer a valid opinion. As the boat left the shore, the girls were too busy texting to notice the breath-taking scenery, whilst Ahmed’s brothers, were just as mesmerised by the scenery on the boat. Sadly Blank and Blanker did not share the brothers’ enthusiasm and I feared that this was going to be a somewhat brief liaison for all parties concerned.
Ahmed took me along to the wheelhouse to meet his “friend”; the captain of the vessel who was a big burly crazy Turk. He told me that he had three obsessions which he loved above all things; his boat, football and women. Nodding in the direction of my friend he asked “she has man, no?” Sensing another potential conquest, he mentioned that we would be stopping in about an hour for a languid lunch and suggestively winked at my friend; who’d evidently won the love lottery today!
After dropping anchor in a nice quiet cove and whilst the crew served lunch, the captain decided to join us. He told me he was a very passionate man and had several girlfriends who visited him at different times throughout the season but he was always willing to test drive another. I have to admit there was something very endearing about him. As he sang along with Sinatra, whom he told me was possibly one of the greatest men of our time; no argument there from me. He ate and drank with gusto, and I suspected he romanced in the same way. Although, I don’t think his dentist would have approved of the way he removed the caps of his beer bottles with his teeth. He also loved chomping on raw chillies and I noticed that Ahmed also seemed to enjoy this practise as well. I had to marvel at the resilient digestive system of the Turkish man but couldn’t help but wonder whether chillies and a little Turkish lovin’ made compatible bedfellows.
My friend appeared to be succumbing to the Captain’s flirting; well let’s be honest, it’s just as easy to love a man with a boat, than one without. I also think that abundant alcohol enables you to drink even the fugliest individual handsome.
As we lay there soaking up the rays, another boat sailed into the same cove. There was a man at the front of the boat with a huge pair of binoculars trained on us. The captain was immediately on full alert and hailed the other vessel. The grating voice of the girls’ father could be heard above the Turkish voices. All I could decipher was various expletives and “Turkish worms”. The captain clearly affronted by the insults to his fellow countrymen, started hurling insults back and suddenly a huge argument erupted between both crews. I have since discovered that Turkish disputes involve a lot of posturing, an inordinate amount of shouting, inappropriate curses and very little resolution. However, on the upside they are usually diffused very quickly.
The captain buoyed by several bottles of the local brew, apparently enjoyed a bit of a rumble and drew his boat alongside the other. The girls’ father unprepared for the swell, lost his footing and toppled overboard much to the delight of the passengers and crew on our vessel. The only damage incurred was the father’s pride so both crews had lived to love and fight for another day.
On returning to land I discovered that our plans for dinner that evening were scuppered as unfortunately, Ahmed was unable to leave the toilet for any length of time. Must have been something he ate!