When Is A Honeymoon Not A Honeymoon (Part Ten)

Touching down on British soil, to the driving wind and rain didn’t do anything to improve my mood. Weariness also added to my depression and as we queued with the remainder of the passengers through passport control and baggage collection, it was impossible not to wish I was back in the land of Turkish sunshine. I had managed to text a very quick message to Ahmed before the plane took off but I really needed to talk to him.

As we trudged past customs, my friend suggested we stop for a little breakfast at one of the airport cafés as we had a little time before the transfer bus would pick us up. Imagine my surprise when I spotted a familiar and unwelcome individual standing by the arrivals gate clutching a sorry-looking bunch of flowers. It was none other than Serial Shagging Simon, my cheating ex fiancée waiting alongside other friends and relatives welcoming loved ones home.

As he approached us, he said “I remembered you’d be flying home today and looked up your arrival time on the internet; thought you’d like a lift”. As I opened my mouth to tell him that I would rather walk barefoot across broken glass and then bathe in vinegar; my so-called friend shoved me aside and gave him her trolley to push, abandoning me to soldier on with my duty-free laden luggage alone.

Fortuitously, my friend jumped into the front passenger seat of Simon’s car, leaving me to climb into the back. Owing to the three cans of energy drink she had downed on the flight, she wittered on non-stop for the duration of the journey with the cd blaring away in the background; but all was not lost as this provided me with the perfect excuse to have a nap during the drive home.

Once back in the old hometown and with my friend deposited at her flat, Simon decided to take the scenic route to my parents’ house. “I’ve missed you” he said with James Blunt playing in the background. “I’ve never stopped wanting you”. Unimpressed with his declaration and even more so with his choice of music, I pointed out that I wanted to be spoon-fed chocolate mousse by a nubile sex god, but clearly that wasn’t going to be happening any time soon either; and that life was full of disappointments.

“Look, we’ve got to talk” he continued as my parents’ house came into view. “You see the thing is, it’s not working out with me and Sharon …” As he pulled up outside the house and unloaded my cases from the boot. I handed him some spare change I had in my pocket and said “Tell you what Simon, why don’t you take that and go and phone someone who cares”. And with as much dignity as I could muster, I carried my suitcases up the familiar old garden path and into my family home.

“This isn’t over” he shouted at the slamming door.


85 thoughts on “When Is A Honeymoon Not A Honeymoon (Part Ten)

  1. He had a lot of d@mn gall to show up at the airport like that — good grief! I really liked the bit about having a nubile sex God feeding you chocolate and then handing him change at the end. Well done!


  2. The perfect putdown to Triple S. How cool is that? Hell hath no fury….. you go, girl! And where would we be without Triple S leaving you? I can’t bear to think we’d be missing the honeymoon in Turkey. 😦


  3. LOL!!! So sorry my email server was down today and didn’t see this earlier! I was LOL, Seriously! You must be making this stuff up! 🙂 (I know, he’s probably all too real.) Your fan – Kaye


  4. I must have missed what caused the honeymoon for one, but whatever it was it was a blessing in disguise to save you from even more pain. His actions speak loudly it is still all about him and he is not able to see you. You have discovered so much about yourself before unknown. Enjoy your continuing adventure of discovery!!


  5. OMG. I’ve been catching up with the tale and I’m just agog. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. This is a movie plot, I swear to god. It is very hard to believe this ex of yours had the balls to show up at the airport. Jesus. Can’t wait for the next installment of the story. 🙂


    • Nice to hear from you Alison and you are so kind with your compliments. I should tell you that it was your advice that has been the inspiration behind the “Honeymoon Stories – so wonderful things do happen when you listen to a kind word from a stranger! And tis true I have had appalling taste in men but I am working on it!


    • You are too kind! And I am an old soul! My Dad has asked when you’re next video’s out as he thinks you’re easier on the eye than Alan Titchmarsh – incidentally he loved the post on Beneficials and dragged my mum straight up to the garden centre to look for some!


  6. It looks to me like that your Altinkum experience made you very strong and you were a bit influenced with the culture… I like your “direct” attitude, there are times that there is no need to be “the cute one” anymore! 😉


  7. You are hilarious! I literally laughed out loud at this little cafe in Mykonos as the table of old men beside me glared over above their mini espresso cups lol. But seriously the nerve of triple S (thats my name for ur ex now lol)


  8. love this…. where is the next chapter? why don’t you put a page in the menu at the top, with the complete list of the Not A Honeymoon series? so it’s easier for us to find the next chapter…? pretty please?… 😉


  9. D! Just read this post….didn’t know you had it nicely indexed 😦 so I’ve been reading it rather disjointed all this time 😦 drat! I’m very happy at the way you handled Simon 🙂 More power to you!!! lol


    • One of my lovely blogging friends suggested it to me, although I wasn’t sure anyone would be interested but at least now I’m organised! Wasn’t always adept at handling serial shagging simon, I had to reach a low point before I bounced back. Am writing about that particular very public humiliation at the mo so will be running it next week.


  10. oh boy….it’s not working out with Sharon?!?!?!?!? oh too damn bad!!! wow, he’s got some chutzpah that one! I’m obviously still reading 😉


  11. serial shaggin Simon had SOME chutzpah!!
    The cheek of him..mind you a free ride home (not counting the change you gave him; NICE touch) was worth it…sort of….
    Sherri-Ellen & snoozing Nylablue
    (Simon is a REAL wanker!)


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