With a heavy heart I made my way into work that night, having resigned myself to flat-hunting instead of a return sunshine trip to Turkey. With my sister’s words ringing in my ears, I set about changing into my uniform and went to collect my trolley from the housekeeping cupboard.
Even my favourite security guard, Reg, couldn’t make me smile when he handed over my walkie-talkie. And to top it all, my best friend Carla had delivered the news that Sharon (aka the other woman) was pregnant; I wondered briefly whether she had been impregnated by an alien or Serial Shagging Simon, although frankly there was very little difference. I had felt for many years that Simon was in fact, the adult child of alien invaders.
“What’s up with you love? You look like you’ve found a penny and lost a pound. Talking of which, it’s not Poison Pen again is it?”
“No Reg, it’s not the Evil Queen today but to be fair the night is young and I have forgotten my garlic and holy water”.
A tanoy message alerted me of a spillage in aisle five so I told Reg, that as they were playing my song, we’d have to catch up later.
As I made my way to aisle five, I greeted a few of my work mates en route; Poison Pen had ensured that I had been kept busy with the hygiene crew and as I did a fairly solitary job, I had missed the interaction with my old colleagues. After agreeing to meet up with them after my shift finished for a McDonald’s breakfast, I hurried off.
Disappointingly, my boss Poison Pen was already waiting for me. “You took your time” she said accusingly.
“Sorry Pen, this trolley seems to have a life of its’ own; doesn’t like being separated from its friends”.
As I gazed around aisle five, it looked like something from a horror film. A pallet of boxes of bolognaise sauce had exploded all over the floor and we were nearly ankle-deep in crimson sauce and broken glass. I could have wept.
“Shouldn’t take you too long; make sure you get it all” the Evil Queen said over her shoulder as she left in search of someone else to torment.
I spent the next few hours, mopping, sweeping, scrubbing and when I had finished I had no doubt that it would take a few days for the red stain to disappear from my hands. Just as I was clearing away the last of the debris, Pen arrived to check on my progress “If you’re waiting for me to tell you, you’ve done a good job ………” she sneered.
“It’s okay Pen, a pat on the back after all is just inches away from being a kick in the pants”.
“I don’t get you! What exactly is it that you want out of life”?
“You mean apart from a pair of Christian Louboutins and worldwide domination”?
“Quite the little joker, aren’t you”?
“Well let’s be honest Pen, neither of us were recruited for our dispositions. In addition to this I work 40 hours a week to be this poor but as my application for the Apprentice seems to have gone astray, guess I’ll just have to stay here saving the world from spillages, unsightly stains and odours”.
In true superhero style I ended with “chaos, panic and disorder, my work here is done” and turned on my heel and pushed my trolley away in search of another hygiene breech.
As I left the Smiling Assassin glaring after me, I kept uttering my newly acquired mantra “I have to get out of here”.
You made me laugh out loud five times! I am at a coffee shop now and everyone is wondering about me – the crazy lady laughing in the corner! Thank you!!!
LikeLike
I was giggling about this – they probably did think you were crazy but then again aren’t we all and the world is a better place because of a little crazy!
LikeLike
Oh, yes, you must get out of there! But, think of all the fodder for your blog you will miss, and making your bloggers friends giggle? Oh, well, I’m sure you will find the “funny” wherever you are! – Kaye
LikeLike
I hope Kaye, that I always manage to see the funny side even when life is truly pants!
LikeLike
You had no choice but to leave that job! Can’t wait for the next installment…
LikeLike
You are so right – all that was standing between me and a life sentence was a pay packet!
LikeLike
And, BTW, how did that huge mess happen? Just curious. Did a person with a baseball bat go beserk, did you have a quake, what? Seriously…. – Kaye
LikeLike
an inexperienced pallet truck operator; maybe he was a turkish driver?
LikeLike
I don’t think I would have been able to go back to that job the second day! Kudos for your persistence!
LikeLike
I’d worked there for a few years so it was only the pittance they paid me in wages ensured I rocked up for every shift!
LikeLike
You are a star for clearing all that up and deserve a days holiday – I hope the rest of the week goes better!
LikeLike
Anybody we know in those photos? You, perhaps?
LikeLike
Never! I would rather have my eyes poked out with rusty nails than have my picture taken! Some people never have a bad photo taken, I am yet to have a good one!
LikeLike
Ahh, that explains why we never see photos of you. Too bad we’re so far apart. Betch’a I could take one of you you’d like. In any case, you are so talented with words, your writing becomes snapshots of you in our imaginations.
LikeLike
How happy was I to see Pt. 14 appear in my In-Box. I’m hooked 🙂 I have to re-read a couple of times… and then the wait for #15 😉
LikeLike
You have cheered me up no end because today has not been great!
LikeLike
Another cliff-hanger…. will she, or won’t she? Keep ’em coming.
LikeLike
Oh Gunta, the sleepless nights I’ve had!
LikeLike
Eruption building…!
LikeLike
stick around cos its a cert
LikeLike
You truly have a great writing style. This too had me chuckling. Look forward to the next installment!!
LikeLike
Writing about it is a little like therapy but cheaper!
LikeLike
Lol! Did you???
LikeLike
Oh yessssssssssssssssssssssss
LikeLike
Good for you 😆
LikeLike
This made me laugh, and look forward for more.
LikeLike
Thank you Grace!
LikeLike
In my head Poison Pen looks and acts like Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter. Candy coated outer shell but evil at the core 😉
LikeLike
They could be twins separated at birth
LikeLike
So glad I can get into your posts again. The gremlins have been sent packing. 🙂 I should imagine that you’d like to sweep up Poison Pen and dump her into the garbage can.
LikeLike
In hindsight, I cannot believe that I took so much for so long.
LikeLike
I HAVE to get back to work and stop here for now!! Great stories, I never thought the Ahmet you first introduced might be the one you’re currently married to. We just never know what life has in store for us, and I love that.
LikeLike
I’m glad you like them – still not married but I think one wedding was quite enough even though it didn’t go ahead. But life is an unexplained mystery with lots of twists and turns – just like a good novel
LikeLike
So you really have lived “Clean up on Aisle 5!!”
I would have let old pen clean it up; you’re a *star*…
Sherri-Ellen & Nylablue
(she asked if any tuna-tuna got spilled, lol..)
LikeLike
No tuna just jars of pasta sauce; had the red stain on my hands for weeks after that
LikeLike