We’re having a royal visit – my mum’s coming to stay, all 5’ 4” of her. We’ve been spring cleaning over the past week as inevitably my mother will closely be inspecting our dusty surfaces. She is the only one that calls me by my god given name despite having answered to my nick name since the second year of primary school. She starts every telephone conversation with “It’s your mother”; as if I wouldn’t recognise her dulcet tones. The royal “we” usually means that my Dad’s being reluctantly dragged away from his garden and has acquiesced for the sake of peace.
My relationship with my mother has always been a problematic one for us both though I don’t doubt that she loves me. We have struggled to communicate with each other since I could talk and continue to struggle; neither of knowing how to reach out and say what we both need to hear.
Over the years I have become immune to her criticism, adopting the Star Trek avoidance technique also known as “deflector shields up”. So when I was told after having my hair cut shorter, “I preferred it longer” or after modelling a new dress “it’s a shame you’ve got your Dad’s ankles”; I am now able to inhale deeply and move on. The casual barbs bounce straight off me, no longer causing me the anguish that they did when I was an awkward teenager.
So when we are invited to Ahmed’s family home, she won’t see a house filled with generations of laughter and joyful meals shared. All she will see is the abundant tacky ornaments and junk filled garden; what she won’t see is the small vegetable plot in the corner lovingly tended by Ahmed’s mother and the children’s hand knitted clothes which were painstakingly made by gentle hands. She will shudder with revulsion when the meal is served on the floor and tut fiercely when Ahmed sets the plates down on top of old newspapers.
My beloved adopted family are simple folk who will be hurt and bewildered by her disapproving looks and less than enthusiastic reception of their hospitality. She will only visibly relax when she is returned to the comfort of her five-star Hotel preferring it to real Turkish genuine heartfelt hospitality. And my mother will return to England with a few holiday trinkets having missed out on so much more. My adopted family are content in a way that many of us will never be and at the end of the day that is what makes them rich.
We are rich only through what we give, and poor only through what we refuse.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Well, I guess this post is a great start to her visit, haha! I have learned (the hard way) that when you genuinely try to see the other person’s side of the story by asking questions, and not by assuming things, communication tends to get better and the relationship easier. Hope my pearl of wisdom will do you good! Good luck and patience and make sure you enjoy her visit too.
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Seriously I’m stressed already but will employ shedloads of patience as you suggest – so fingers crossed!
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That’s sad…and embarrassing…and very FAMILIAR to me. The (not even realized) backhanded remarks, the judgment, the arguing… But it’s nice that Ahmed’s family is so receptive. I wonder if there is a way to “cushion the blow” so to speak.
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I’m walking round the apartment trying to think just “happy thoughts” but I’m not sure it’s working!
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~sigh~ I don’t suppose a heart to heart with your mum would do any good?
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Perhaps your mother will surprise you and succumb to a warm welcome? You never know….
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I most certainly hope so!
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Did I miss something?? Did you return to Turkey? I know I can be a little spacey, but, I thought I was caught up. – Kaye
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The Honeymoon stories were written retrospectively so I’m here for now but that may change in the very near future as we are so dependent on tourism for our living so it maybe back to working for good old Poison Pen!
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No! No Poison Pen!!
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Sometimes, every now & then, just when you weren’t expecting it, they can surprise you… but if not then at least you are expecting the worst, which is better than expecting better and being disappointed. Can you get Rescue Remedy (or its equivalent) in Turkey? For you, & if you can put a few drops in her water bottle, your mum… it chills out any situtaion 🙂
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Well they do put a lot of cannabis in the cooking out here!!!!!!
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I know of what you speak. The day of my wedding, my mother said, “do you think he’ll show up.” Unfortunately he did. But that’s another story. I’m throwing a protective spell around Ahmet’s family so that whatever she says or does that’s less than complimentary, they won’t notice.
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My Auntie Von would say that about the protective spell and you’ve now got me intrigued so would love to hear more about this!!!!
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I’d like to tell you, but then I’d have to……well…..you know 🙂
You’ll have to let me know if it works from this far away.
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I think we all have some sort of issues with parents. I try hard to not have my daughter say the same about me. Don’t know if I’ll succeed or not, but it won’t be for lack of trying.
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Your thoughts reminded me our a quote by George Eliot: “Our deeds still travel with us from afar, and what we have been makes us what we are.” May we always to open to those who offer hospitality – it is the greatest, most noblest gift. The other thought comes from my son, who reminds me that it is within everyone’s power to make another person happy: some by entering the door and others by leaving…Always enjoy stopping by for a visit.
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I loved what you said and believe me when I say it warmed my heart on a day when it was much needed – bless you
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Groan. Do hope it’s not too painful for the in laws.
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Now I know why you all prefer your four legged friends
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Lordy – good luck with that. Bound to be some good blog fodder out of it though!
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You may be right!
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I think it’s always more stressful when family come to stay, than when friends drop by. It’s probably because we choose our friends carefully, but family is something we have thrust upon us. I hope your mom comes with the intention of enjoying her stay. That will make all the difference. Good luck. 🙂
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Thanks and I will keep you posted – I’m just holding my breath for now
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Hope you’re not too blue in the face. 🙂
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I hope your Mum surprises you, and can only imagine how anxious you are.
Keep calm – and carry on!
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That will be my new mantra over the forthcoming week
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Oh dear, I well remember those days of Mother descending, with her critical eye and waspish tongue – all because she was as nervous as me, as it turns out – but it took us 60 years to finally work each other out – no, no, no, I mean come to accept each other as she is/was! It’s the unintended hurt to Ahmed’s family that stresses you out the most – would it be possible for you and A to take everyone out for an outing in the country, complete with picnic? Good luck 🙂
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I think that’s a good idea because it will be on neutral ground who knows maybe it might be the first step on the acceptance ladder.
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It’s worth a shot! 🙂
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Perhaps you can convince her that happy is the new rich. Good luck 🙂
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Loved this!
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i feel a little sad for your mum though, she will never know that feeling of love you are surrounded by she will never feel the same contentment you feel and your adopted family, she will never know the simple joys uncluttered feelings the happiness that comes with just being, for her life is so different she may never be free from the tyranny that she lives under, maybe when she comes something some tiny thing may happen and then she too could join and in and finally feel the same sense of inner peace that comes with a natural love, i hope she does get there and i hope she is with you when she does, i wish both of you the love that it is needed for you both to communicate and be happy, thinking of you xx
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I was a little choked reading this because you are so right – who needs “Dear Abby” when I have so many kind and thoughtful blogging friends
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I hope your Mum can take the blinkers off and see the diamond underneath the rough!
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What a lovely thing to say – thank you!
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Oh my, I feel your pain and know it well. I too have a very opinionated (and non-supportive) mother. (And she HATES that I live in Norway).
But we are grown up women who no longer need our mothers approval. All you can do is prepare
your adoptive family for whats in store and hope for the best.
Now I understand your desperate need for raspberry vodka…
Good luck!
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Somehow I knew you would know Maggie and likewise the female members of my family don’t like me living in Turkey and you are so right when you say we don’t need their approval but it’s taken me a long time to work that one out for myself.
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Just remember, its YOUR life. Hang in there…
(At least you didn’t take off with three small children in tow, like I did)
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My mother visited me once in Texas, in thirty years one time. She told me after the visit she didn’t feel welcome. I thought, well okay then you didn’t see what you were expecting or desired. Thus the welcome mat didn’t seem out.
Good luck, I hope your mother at least sees you are happy in your life, feels the love that surrounds you. Perhaps that will appease her judgement.
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I hope you are right but my mum isn’t happy about me living in Turkey but who knows what the future will hold for us both
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After reading this, you’re going to need that calming mask for sure now! Good luck! 🙂
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I’m making it up as we speak now all I need is valium!
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Haha, that’ll do it too! 😉
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I wouldn’t hold my breath on mum giving any pleasant surprises on a miraculous change of attitude. But, the main thing is you’ve adjusted your own. It is her loss…how enriched her life could be if she had your eyes!
My mom will often ‘one-up’ me. I’ve nearly given up on telling her anything about me because she or one of her friends have done it bigger or better. It has become less painful as I’ve had to adjust my attitude, too, but my ‘deflector shield’ must have a few holes in it because the barbs do get through just a bit.
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This again choked me because it is all too familiar and clearly we are not alone. The mother/daughter relationship is such a complex one and made more so when you are so different. I hope that we both manage to find a way
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Sigh…. I could have used that “deflector shields up”, too. Sadly, it wasn’t until my mom developed Alzheimer’s that I could be around her without all the judgemental bits. Of course, by then, it was too late. These days I mourn all the “might have beens.”
Hope you can manage to work out an uneasy truce at the very least. That is something I finally managed in the later years.
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Gunta, I’ve gone through a few kleenex reading this particularly, as I have these thoughts all the time and fear that I will be mourning all the “might have beens” too. Bless you for sharing that with me because it’s good to know I’m not the only one
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I know moms could be our worst critics, but deep inside we know they have good intentions behind those disapproving looks. Don’t lose hope, maybe your mom is one of those hard candies with a surprise center 🙂
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Thank you Anj – if anyone knows about healing its you!
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Oh, dear girl, I wish I could give you a hug. I had a very accepting mother. She used to smile and say, “Seven children, and not one of them in jail!” She died young, before I had kids, but I have tried to make my house a place where everyone feels safe and accepted for who they are. I believe that ‘family’ is a privilege you earn, and not a license for cruelty. I think you already understand this, as you have adopted a new family, loving and comfortable and safe. Good for you, and lucky them!
Your mother is probably never going to change who she is. Pity her for her impoverished emotional life, but please don’t give her the power to hurt you. Red alert! Raise shields! Still, I would protect my adopted family by keeping contact to a minimum, as little as possible. Neutral ground is good, too.
Also, it might be interesting to call your mother on her bad behavior. I once had a mean and bitter relative who was always tearing down people, especially my mom. As soon as I was old enough to understand what was happening, I countered her cruel remarks and barbs with, “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you might be trying to be hurtful, but what kind of person would want to do that?” It really shut her up! At the very least, you could call attention to her behavior, and make her aware of how often she does it. “Oh, Mom, there you go again!” By making a joke of it, you are diminishing the power and the poison, and I would hope she would be embarrassed by having her own rude behavior called for what it was.
Once, more than thirty years ago, when I was a waitress in the Tetons, I got stiffed by a woman who was furious because I wasn’t allowed to serve alcohol, and the poor cocktail waitress was swamped with orders. I was patient and polite, and served her dinner. She finished, and left a penny on the table, a pointed insult that was worse than leaving nothing. I called after her, “Excuse me, Ma’am.” She stopped and turned, and I put the penny in her hand. I smiled and said sweetly, “I think you need this more than I do.”
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I really liked what you said and I could do with employing this technique with a few people in my life back in the UK. I wish I could be that controlled but despite all my good intentions, I let my emotions get the better of me. But I have to try at least – thank you for your kind and wise words
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Do take good care of yourself. Best wishes, Naomi
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Wise words from Naomi – better than anything I could say, apart from, I think our mothers have a lot in common. Good luck x
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I didn’t realise that there were so many women with the same mother/daughter issues but its good to know its not just me!
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WowWee! I too am behind! I didn’t realize you were back in Turkey. Yay! And as far as mum visiting… family will be family will be family will be family…. I look forward to reading how it all evolves. You’ve gotten some very good advise here I’m reading….
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I’ve had some fab advice and when I wrote this post, I was truly blue, however, I feel a lot more positive about the experience now, that’s for sure.
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It is amazing what we will do if we believe it will keep us safe, or maybe I should say keep our heart safe even to the point of shutting out the love around us and pushing those people away. Praying for your Mom’s heart to be safe enough to be able to receive the love being offered to her by you and Ahmed’s family. Praying for your wounded heart to be healed from where your Mom’s woundedness has wounded you.
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Thank you for your very kind words
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I am behind as usual, and you may be in the thick of it as I read. As a daughter and a mother, I can now see both sides of this Tink. My mother was the same; backhanded, offhanded (at my wedding she said aloud ‘i give you 6 months and that was 32 years ago), seemingly meant to put me in my place. What I realized later in life, after becoming a mother, was that as a woman growing up in a family where her voice was not heard, nor welcome, she never learned the skill of intimate or personal conversation. Even as a ‘grown up’ living her own life, in her own home, with her own children, she knew she had the ability to speak her mind on intimate and personal issues, yet she still did not have the skill.
Frustration and fear seemed to be the place these comments to me came from. Frustrated because she wanted me to be safe and happy but didn’t know how to tell me, and fear that I would not, and she didn’t know how to tell me I’d always have a safe place to go to if I needed it.
The one good thing I can say about my relationship with my mother today is this…the happier she saw me, the more mature I became, the more open I was with my own children…the easier she found it to just come out and talk about whatever it was she needed to say.
I can only hope, for you, the day arrives when your mother can look at you and see your true self, your happy self, and know that’s it’s time to treat you as a woman and friend first and daughter second. Does that make any sense?
Hope for all good things Tink. Truly
xo
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As usual Rhonda, you are the voice of common sense. I have to be honest and say that I have never considered this viewpoint and I hope you’re right that one day we can communicate putting all past hurts behind us. Bless you for that x
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I’m thinking that you will be the one to make the move Tink…she may not be able to. But I’ll just say, it is worth it. Hard yes, but worth it. There are times growing up we need them…there are times when we are grown up that they need us…this might be one of those times. Good luck my friend…I hope you get there, together.
xo
R
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not sure if mom already came, but best of luck! im sure she will love the fact that you are in love, and most importantly, that you are loved. if not, get her wasted so you can blame her bad behavior on a more serious problem other than blatant rudeness :o)
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Either that or I can spend the week in a cocktail induced haze
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So, how did the visit go? – Kaye
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tense!
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I am getting caught up..and there are so many things running through my mind right now…how I sympathize and completely understand…and I’m so glad you received such great comments of support. I hope everything went oaky. I also hope your deflector shield was operational…and that you did not have to fire phasers or photon torpedoes!
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I had a wonderful mom, but can’t say the same of some other judgmental relatives. Totally empathise with you. Do hope it went off well and you and your adopted family remain unscathed 🙂
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It was a bit of a tense affair – family expectations can be such a burden
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Your mother sounds like my mom….yikes. Love the quote by Emerson. So fricking true!
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If you’ve ever watched the BBC series “Keeping Up Appearances” she’s just like Hyacinth right down to the telephone voice!
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never seen it but i can imagine it…lol we should compare notes someday…scary
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