I love my Dad, I really do, however, I would rather have my eyes poked out with rusty nails than work with him on one of his DIY projects. Like most men my Dad will use any excuse to unpack his power tools, in fact he spends hours talking with his allotment buddies about the latest bits of kit. Apparently size does matter in the world of hand tools! Firstly, he’s just not very good at DIY; I cannot count the times when he has miscalculated and carpets have been cut just a tad too short or windows that have been painted shut.
Secondly, and more importantly despite trying to make myself scarce every time he reaches for his toolbox, I get roped in as his gofer. It usually starts off with a gentle “hand me that screwdriver”, amongst all the humping and lumping and then somewhere along the line there will be a “let’s have lunch” which basically translated means “feed me now, slave”. Once I have completed that chore, after twenty minutes of negotiating what type of sandwich will be acceptable, I attempt to indulge in a quick bite myself but alas my boss, being the eager beaver that he is, wants to crack on with the task in hand.
I think I can also confide in you that my Dad has a full-blown shelf fetish! We have shelves in every conceivable nook and cranny in the house, in the shed, down at the allotment. In fact, we have been “shelved” to within an inch of our lives. To assist him in his quest for worldwide shelf domination, my Dad has every imaginable levelling device and every drill bit known to man. Most of which he will probably never use; although on a Sunday he does get them out for a quick polish! His full-size mobile multi-drawer roller tool cabinet is a work of art and everything is labelled and neatly packed away; in what one can only describe as an obsessive compulsive disorder kind of way.
Whilst my Mum’s cure all is a cup of tea, my Dad in most emergencies can frequently be heard to utter those immortal words “now how about I put some nice shelves up for you”. Even his granddaughters have taken to locking their bedrooms for fear that they will return home to find yet more shelves occupying even more wall space.
Now Dad if you’re reading this, I have just one thing to say to you “stop with the shelf madness and step away from the power tools, before it’s too late”!