When is not speaking the right thing to do? Once started, weeks can pass you by and before you know it, the silence has extended into months; the slight or reason for the argument long forgotten. Very quickly and almost without you realising, this all too soon becomes a habit and another person slips unnoticed from your life. You may have a valid and good reason for not wanting to communicate further with this person. Past hurts may be just too painful for you to forgive or maybe you cannot reconcile yourself with choices they have made. Whatever the reason, time marches on and none of us can recapture moments lost.
So ask yourself this; is your life so rich in friendship that you can afford the loss of a loved one or treasured friend over some small incident or word spoken in haste. If you can honestly say that your relationship with this person is too emotionally costly then possibly it is time to move on. However, if celebrations and shared good news just aren’t the same then maybe, just maybe it’s time to break the silence.
There’s always a little truth behind every “just kidding”, a little knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, a little emotion behind every “I don’t care” and a little pain behind every “It’s okay”.
So true, (such an honor to comment first before your huge following adds their thoughts). I have found, with age, that those issues are not what they used to be. I don’t get into tiffs with anyone if I can help it, and the friends I have have fallen into categories. Family, too. I kind of know when it’s time to reconnect, or they do. It’s really different when you get older. I remember those kinds of things. Now, I just back off, and tell myself, it’s not about me, don’t get offended, and treat each encounter with a fresh start. Works most of the time. Except the other day, when a neighbor marched by my front yard garden and his large dog trailed behind and stepped into fresh plantings. I yelled, meanly, “Keep your dog on a leash!!! Next day, there was a bag of dog poop left a couple of feet away, as a rejoinder, I suppose.- Kaye
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What an inconsiderate man! How awful when to behave that way when you live so close to other people! I think you may have the right attitude when it comes to friendship Kaye!
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Some times you need to let go. You will undoubtedly miss them, but for the sake of sanity …. 🙂
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Totally agree with this one, some people frankly aren’t worth your time
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How right you are….
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I always wonder whether we should fight or flee when faced with confrontation
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Like you, I have wondered the same thing. I think that in all my years .. my feelings are you just do what comes naturally at the time something happens. I know I’ve been in scary situations… I have had to talk my way through scary things. I think you do accordingly to what you are up against… not do an ‘overkill’… what do you think?
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So well said…very insightful!
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Personal experience tends to make everyone insightful – even thick-skinned me!
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Have to say I’m with Footsy2 on this one. Sometimes friendships naturally run their course, don’t they?
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Absolutely and then you just have to let go because it becomes just a waste of energy
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Then there are the times when you try and try to reconnect and your efforts are consistently rebuffed. Hurts so much that you give up.
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I’ve been there too and its hard realising that not everyone is as considerate of other people’s feelings as you
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Hmmm …. that’s a tough one, sometimes.
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How could I have missed you Marianne and one so wise too!
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I love that truism at the end of your post. I was wondering who said it, but no-one seems to know. 🙂
I have found that a few friendships just fizzled out for no particular reason, and although it bothered me for a while, I came to realise that they were very one-sided.
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I think in some cases that’s true and you just have to realise who’s important and do a little bit of housekeeping in your personal life
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I always keep in mind the quote – I think by Maya Angelo – after I’ve had a tough time with a loved one – “Never make someone a priority, when to them, you are only an option.” While it’s hard to let go, sometimes it’s the best thing to do for ourselves.
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I love that quote too! Why do I never learn!
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I don’t think I ever learn either…I always try to hold out hope!
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Basically, the long and short of it is just like you said. If the relationship vexes you more than it brings you happiness, then you are better off letting the “toxic” person go. And I think we ALL have one or two of “those” friends, that always need someone to bitch to, are never happy, can’t take even constructive criticism, and love to say “I told You So.” LOL. I call them “Friends in Small Doses…” Hmm… Maybe I need to blog about it. 😉
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I would love to see a post from you regarding friendship; I love the twist that you always give things
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😀 Thanks. That makes me smile. By twist, I’m guessing you mean “smart-assery.” 😀
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you pull no punches and women like that!
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This is a great post and coming up to the festive, social season is something many people will be considering, but I’m not going to invoke THAT Tupac Shakur quote again, you’ll be relieved to know. Personally I find the in-your-face not speaking solution very hard to do, and awful to be treated thus. I’d rather have the cards on the table and be civilised if distant… I was ostracised (and still no-one other than she knows why) by the wife of a family member, someone I’d known since childhood and had been fond of. It went on for years and affected everyone and many occasions. It ended by me approaching her and asking could it be let go as an important family occasion was coming up for an aunt I am very close to who was distressed by having to deal with it…. There was no apology or explanation, just the words “yes, well, it’s gone on long enough’… It’s better but will never be the same. I think it’s not an option to take lightly. Depending on who and what, if it’s just too painful or hurtful, there are ways to distance yourself and preserve your integrity and emotions without collateral damage.
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I think you can never fully recapture a friendship once hurt & upset step in; I suppose all you can do is just find a comfortable way to move on, whatever that may be
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I have a quote (and you know how I love quotes) from Bob Marley that sums up my position: “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
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I love that! But I do love a bit of Bob!
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Hmmm . . . this brings up so many emotions. I started pulling away from my mom years ago when she would say hurtful things or didn’t respond appropriately to what was going on in my life . . . the good and the bad stuff. It was like she lost the ability to empathize. Little did I know she was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.
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How very sad! I feel your pain as I have family members that seem to say the most incredibly hurtful things and in the end you distance yourself to avoid further heartache.
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Everything you say here is so true! And I love the quotation at the end!
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Oh yes Jill – I love that quote too! Will we be getting up an update on your own personal cliffhanger?
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Probably – I’ve got a couple dating stories up my sleeve since I’ve gotten back to the states 😉
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Great post. Sometimes, it’s true, it’s just time to let go, but too often we just get busy and neglect the friendships we should nurture. It is a two-way street though, and if you get no effort back from the other person, it may be time to let go.
Here is one of my favorite quotes about this theme: “Do not chase people. Be you and do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you, and stay.” ~
Wu Tang
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Wu Tang was one wise person and absolutely right
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Wu Tang is amazing. He has such words of wisdom!
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Sometimes it’s best to let go of someone instead of making the situation worse
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If the circumstances dictate that then I agree
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Sounds like you’re getting wise beyond your years, m’dear. My mum used to punish me with the silent treatment. In some ways it wasn’t half the punishment she might have thought it was because I didn’t miss the nagging so much. Still, it’s sad to think back on the communication and closeness we both missed out on….. sigh
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I used to get that silent treatment too sometimes for two weeks on end with just two of us in the flat. I was a teenager and could really have used a mother who cared about what was going on in my lfe instead of being so bitter and twisted about her own. Passive agressive, I think is what people who do that are called.
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I have just recently been reconciled with my daughter of 4 years of silence from her. I still don’t know what her issue was but as I am now a grandmother I just want to move on and forget the heartache and pain of those lost years. If you feel the need to cut someone out of your life at least have the decency to tell them why, that way at least they can work through it and move on. Just cutting someone out with no explanation is so unkind because it takes ages for that person to accept what has happened.
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I hate confrontations of any kind. What I do when I’m upset, is to distance myself from the problem… And you’re right I’ve lost contact with people because of it. I guess they were waiting for me to reach out first and I was too stubborn to do so… Now we’re just acquaintances who simply smile and walk past each other on the street. 😦
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I have a motto or probably us too long to be a motto but we’ll say it’s a motto.
Drama free, we are grown ups, we talk it out, we kick each other’s ass until we solve the problem and then back to normal, that’s what real friends are for. You don’t usually have meaningful confrontations with acquaintances, we must treasure friends.
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Leo you are a true poet!
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cowboys and crossbones is spot on….that be my policy too 🙂
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My husband and I have talked about the fact that I don’t have friends. I have a lot of cyber friends, but no one to call up and say, “Let’s go have tea and chat.” For me, it’s because most of the people I’ve been close to over the last twenty years have eventually wanted something from me, and if I couldn’t or wouldn’t say yes, they would then be upset, and there was a rift in the friendship. I am easy-going, averse to conflict, and almost always say yes even when I want to say no. I’m an easy target to take advantage of. So now, I prefer the company of my husband, and it works out just fine, because he likes to chat.
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What a lovely post, thank you! Now excuse me while I send an email…
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Thought provoking post…
Older is sometimes wiser and definately as life gets shorter there is no time to carry grudges. It is when you are young and time seems to have no end that being sulky seems an option
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With experience comes the beautiful ability to stop hiding behind silence…. Brilliant post.
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Couldn’t agree more. A friend came back into my life several years after we had broken up over a big argument. Now we have gone through the fire, and I’m sure we will be friends forever.
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