“What do you mean, he’s been seeing Sharon?” shrieked my sister. Carla, my trusted friend since primary school, had arrived at my parent’s house like a tornado bringing along with her, news that had turned my world upside down.
All I could bring myself to numbly ask was “how long”? My childhood sweetheart, Simon whom I was supposed to be marrying in just over a week’s time, had been enjoying cosy romantic nights out with one of my other best friends, Sharon, whilst I had been stacking shelves in the local supermarket to pay for the Turkish honeymoon we had booked – well every little helps.
“Our Brad, has seen them in the Tangiers getting very cosy over a Tikka Masala on five-a-side nights, as he apparently dropped out of the team a couple months’ ago”. Now, that was too damn much that he was taking her to our place; the local Indian and on nights when I had been slaving away unpacking tins of baked beans. Not to mention that his tired alibi, brought a whole new meaning to the phrase “playing away”.
“His Facebook profile says he’s single as well and she’s been writing on his wall” she said; adding insult to injury. Who reads Facebook; well the whole world apparently, apart from night shift supermarket replenishment assistants.
Almost immediately after Carla had lobbed that particular grenade into our midst, my Dad disappeared to his allotment, my sister was screeching non-stop expletives that would have shamed a hairy East End Docker and my mother went to make tea. Although I could sense that she too wasn’t happy as she banged and huffed around the kitchen.
By the time the tea arrived, my sister and Carla had discussed in great detail, different ways in which they would murder Simon and dispose of the body. My mother’s only thin-lipped retort was “I’ve already paid for that barrel of sherry and I don’t think they’ll take it back”, referring to the reception drinks for our forthcoming wedding breakfast.
Spurred on by Carla, I texted Simon and asked him to call round after work. Never before had the phrase “live by the text, die by the text” seemed so appropriate. As the minutes ticked by, we drank enough tea for England and my sister and Carla continued with the theme of dispatching my fiancée in various grim and twisted methods. I had always considered myself a pacifist; however, even I was considering the castration with a blunt instrument option resulting in matching earrings and pendant.
Eventually, Simon arrived somewhat perplexed by my abrupt text and even more so when my sister and Carla gave him the evil eye; you know the look we women have perfected over the years that indicates impending trouble. Reluctantly, they left us alone in my mum’s pristine lounge usually reserved for special visitors; although I had no doubt that they were pressed up against the door trying to eavesdrop.
As the door slammed shut, I whispered just one word “Sharon?”
“Look love, I was going to tell you…”and when exactly I thought to myself, at the wedding reception, whilst I was in labour with our child or at the graduation of our first-born.
“It didn’t mean anything to me, you were working all the time…..” he stuttered as he caught my icy glare. “Spending time with Sharon was like being close to you
As he whined on, it was then I realised what a despicable deceitful selfish coward he truly was.
“We can put this behind us, we can be happy” he persisted “after all, we have our wedding to look forward to”. At that point I realised that it was true what they said about Devonians – thick in the arm and thick in the head!
With a big sigh and whilst simultaneously trying to restrain myself from bitch slapping him sideways of stupid; I began to tell him exactly why I wasn’t going to be marrying him any time soon.
“You’ll regret this; Sharon said you weren’t good enough for me” he shouted at me as I banged the front door behind him.
After he’d left, I stood on the patio with Carla whilst she smoked a sneaky B&H, as my mum wouldn’t tolerate smoking in the house. Inhaling deeply she said “I never liked him you know; he had no sense of direction even as a kid. Well, let’s be honest, would you want to be spending the rest of your life with a man who needed a bloody Sat Nav to find your erogenous zones?”
Well, when you put it like that!
Wow… What a jerk. Who needs him. I hope you gave it good to that -Sharon too!
Great writing, Dallas!
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Thank you Maggie. I am pleased to say that my life is now jerk-free or will be once the house has sold
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Happy Birthday Dear Dallas!!!!
Hope you gave Sharon all your wedding presents to thank her for getting you out of that one in the nick of time 😀
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She should have been knighted for saving me from further grief!
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Hey, Happy Birthday D 🙂
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cheers m’dear!
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🙂 Sat-nav…..I so needed a laugh….thanks D!!!!
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Couldn’t marry a man who couldn’t read one now could I?
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heavens no D 🙂
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brilliant – keep it going!
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Thank you muchly, I’ve already written the next posts somehow it seems a tad easier writing for my fellow bloggers because you all make me laugh
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Good you got rid of him before you tied the knot! Maybe you should have tied the knot around his neck!
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Trust me when I say I was sorely tempted these days thankfully I no longer care
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That’s the best! In this particular case, you were lucky to avert disaster. 🙂
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Absolutely keep going with the Saga of Simon the Snot and the Tickets to Turkey – a glorious birthday to you 😉 (and if it’s owt like round here for weather, for goodness sake keep warm)
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It’s really fierce here – about 4am this morning it was torrential and the high winds brought the fence down but as I shall be indulging in a little bubbly later on, it’s all good!
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I am also a pacifist, but I don’t think bitch slapping would have been out of order.
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my palms were itching but I thought if I started I might not stop
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I am glad you found out then, and not later.
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A bitchslap is not considered war making act in any culture, there are faces that beg to be slapped.
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Leo just love you – thanks for that gave me a great laugh! Can think of some instances where I would love to apply that!
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Mrs Sensible said you made a mistake. She said you SHOULD have slapped him. But then Mrs Sensible is Sicilian and Sicilians don’t mess around.
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I love her already – my kind of woman! I’m coming straight to her if I need any advice next time around
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Well told!
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Thank you – it’s cheaper than therapy
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He still wanted to marry you, but good for you, sending him packing. So right. Who wants to be married to that drivel for life (or 5 years, whichever comes first)?
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As my Grandma would say “once a cheater, always a cheater”! Are you starting today as well?
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You know what they say about a cheater not changing his spots (or is that cheetah??) Probably both.
I should, shouldn’t I. Ok, here goes. Mine’s just a one-off at the moment, though. A practice query letter. Heading over there now for one last look through before posting.
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Feels wrong to be entertained by someones misfortune, but we can’t really call it a misfortune now can we? I bet he’s the one feeling sorry now! I wonder if he’s ever reading your blog? Anyways, Happy Birthday! Have a good one x
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Thank you my lovely – how’s the blogging coming along – popped over this morning, loved yesterday’s cookie recipes. And you’re right at the end of the day I’m the real victor and the fact that I can now laugh about it with all of you signifies I’m well and truly over it
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bitch slap him? Hell i would have inserted that cask of sherry somewhere the sun don’t shine
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And happy birthday hun have a wonderful weekend whatever the weather 😀
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Bless you chick! I can laugh at it now but at the time like most dramas, it’s not very funny but you know I think I have come out of it a better person and I also wouldn’t have gone to Turkey and wouldn’t have discovered blogging so I really do thing that all things serve their purpose
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Well told…Love reading ur blog!
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Ouch…no ointment for that.
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Wine didn’t work either!
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You’ve got such a beautiful way of putting words together, even though this is heart sore story I couldn’t help but laugh. It was a blessing to find out sooner than later.
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Happy birthday Dallas.
I really enjoyed this reading, now is my time to tell you, his loss.
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Thank you my lovely
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Well all I can say is…thank God for that tea! A “Sat Nav” too funny. 😆
There is an alligator photogrpaher out there who does not have facebook either.
Anyway sorry to hear this all went so badly astray. So what’s to become of the sherry D?
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You would think I would be able to spell “photographer” wouldn’t you? 😳
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I never did find out where the sherry went, Phil!
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That’s certainly a shame. 🙂
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Ew, what a creep! Better to find out before hand. As for her, I can’t even bring myself to say her name, she should be utterly ashamed and dammed!
Love your style! Thanks for liking my post today, if it weren’t for that I would not have found your blog – looking forward to more! 🙂
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How very very kind of you! I can laugh at it all now particularly when I’ve had so much support from my fellow bloggees – who’d have thought!
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happy birthday to an amazing and inspirational writer who needs to get published, stat! i feel that it takes at least one traumatic love experience to know what we can or cannot tolerate in future relationships. (maybe ill write a future blog on that once my laziness passes). all i can say is thank goodness you left his sorry, sexually lost, ass! xoxo
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Bless you heart, what a lovely thing to say and I think you should definitely do that post! When you go through a heartbreak you think you’re the only one in the world and its comforting when you realise you’re not!
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ha brilliant written 🙂
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Thank you – loved the pups yesterday! More please!!!!!
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Wow, I’m sorry you had to go through this. Glad you found out before the marriage, and glad you still went to Turkey. I love your resilience and sass.
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Marla, I actually think the toad did me a big favour ‘cos I wouldn’t have wanted to miss out on Turkey
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That was highly entertaining…read like a novel… I wanted to find out what happened next… Although I feel really bad that happened to you. I found out something about my hubby three days before our wedding… Luckily, it was a little less earth-shattering (although still difficult o.O ) and we’ve since recovered nicely.
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I knew you were a really loyal person! I unfortunately, found it hard to move past this indiscretion but I know I did the right thing. Am posting the next couple of chapters over the coming weeks – I think you’re right my life does read like a novel
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Well, his problem was not infidelity. I thought things might be salvageable. I think you definitely did the right thing, especially considering his reaction and the things he said to you when you didn’t buy his bullcrap!
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Your mum: All can be solved over a cup of tea! Priceless! LOL. Now, I’ve got the picture of how this whole thing imploded. Can’t wait for part 2. (Are you looking for a literary agent?) – Kaye
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I’m taking your advice Kaye at long last! Maybe some literary agent out there will take pity on me
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Only if the cup of tea has rat poison in it. 😉
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What a jerk! I’m glad you never married him. 🙂
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Think I had a narrow escape there Grace! My life would certainly have turned out very different
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You’re so brave to share your story! I’m sorry this happened to you, but I think it was a blessing in disguise. I think this year will have lots of great things in store for you – Happy Birthday 🙂
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Thank you so much and maybe the new year will bring lots of great things – this year has been full of mixed blessings
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Happy Birthday, and thank God you found out before the wedding!
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Thank you for your birthday wishes and I think I got lucky there!
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You are too funny… and clever to use the events for a higher purpose. But I know from having been in similar circumstances, and making the alternate choice… it would have taken you a lot longer to find the funny side had you not told him to bugger off… I think a near miss is funnier than a train wreck – the life lessons have been valuable though. I congratualte you on so admirably upholding the adage “living well is the best revenge” … and naming & shaming Simon, “the Serial Shagger”, worldwide… oh and his partner in shame Sharon, who got what she so wanted & deserved 🙂
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I think that they are a match made in heaven and I can see the funny now I’ve moved on!
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How wonderful to get the prequel. Sounds like you’re good and well rid of the Shithead Serial Shagger…
Here’s wishing you a fantastic Happy Birthday! May ALL your birthday wishes come true….
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Thank you Gunta! And funnily enough when I was uncorking the champers, serial shagging Simon (think I prefer your version) was the last thing on my mind!
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Happy Birthday, girlfriend! Hope you’ve had a wonderful day.
You are SO much better off without this plank!
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Thanks Marianne and I know and I am glad to the tips of my toes that I have moved on
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Oh good, we get to finally learn about Serial Shagging Simon–I think that was the nickname you gave him a few posts back? And didn’t you say he got your ex-best friend pregnant? Good riddance!
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Oh yes she has since had the baby, it’s just like a bad TV soap but without the gorgeous clothes and flash cars
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I gasped out loud at so many of the things he said! What gall! And agree with everyone else – good riddance to him! And, positive: it does make for a great story, especially since you met Ahmed 🙂
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Exactly Jill, wouldn’t have got to meet the very good big detective man himself and lived in magical Turkey – so things do happen for a reason
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I absolutely agree 🙂
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Well, I was really hoping I was reading fiction…!
Ug, is all I can say, and perhaps; just in time is better than never…! After all, this behaviour comes from a deep place; one not easily removed..! 😉
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I’ve moved on now so I can fortunately see the funny side and without a doubt it was humour that got me through my darkest days
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Imagine finding out AFTER you were married…
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I’m shuddering just thinking about that one!
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OMG what an a**hole! Good riddance! Love Carla haha, she is pretty down to earth I gather?
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Brilliant, it’s a very good thing you got rid of him.
You’re very creative. I like your writing style, there’s a spontaneous, straight-at-you quality about it. Thanks for posting
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Thank you very much for your kind words and you’re right he sucked!
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ha ha! my husband is from Devon!!! (can’t say he matches your description though!!)
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So am I!!!! I was just temporarily insane; think it may have been the water
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AnElephantCant tell you how happy he is
In fact you might say he’s elated
He thinks you’re quite mad
Now that can’t be bad
Because sanity is vastly overrated
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LOL – very clever!
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Sheesh! What a narrow escape, Dallas. You owe Carla…..BIG time. 🙂
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Well when you publish this story and earn your fortune then that will be payback time. And so true about Devonians. My dad was a Devonian.
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I’m beginning to seriously doubt my ability to refrain from using expletives. No apology, just a “it meant nothing” and “we can be happy”. I know it doesn’t take the hurt away but rather you found out what he was really like before signing your life away to the. PS – if you’d “bitch slapped him sideways of stupid” he’d have landed up on the intelligent side, as he already appears to be on the stupid side. Glad you restrained yourself.
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Oh I’m so glad you’re continuing this story, keep it up! Quite the treat to check in after the last few weeks to find this and the next instalment to read 🙂
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Oh, just catching up again and I am dumbfounded … he actually said the other one said you weren’t good enough? He said that? Sorry your self-restraint is saintly, I would have bitch-slapped him into forever, that is after I kicked him in the ass so hard he would have worn it as a hat for a week.
GPS, so funny!
Thankfully, you let the door hit him on the ass and avoided a future with Serial Simon.
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Sorry I missed your birthday! I can’t take ALL the blame as it took me 24hours just to scroll down here – what a lot of comments. They’ve all said, in many different ways, what I feel, so I’ll be brief: great post (I’ve been waiting for the backstory for a while), brilliantly written (your stuff never fails to make me smile) and what a lucky escape. I hope you’re not like my mum; boy can she pick ’em!
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what a complete tool!! BUt what a relief to find out sooner rather than later!
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I wholeheartedly agree
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Happy Birthday!! Just think that in 30 years from now you will see Simon when he is old, grey and fat – and thank God with all your being, that you didn’t get married to him!! Meanwhile, you will famous! Here is a suggestion from Katherine Hepburn: “The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.”
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Intelligent woman Katherine Hepburn! I already know I made the right decision but when you’re in that situation you kid yourself that it’s the right thing to do so and then fate steps in – thank heavens for fate!
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I am a firm believer in fate! I’ve seen too many miracles to think otherwise. Betrayal is a strange thing. You first think that it was the other person that was the betrayer, but in the end, you always bring it back to yourself. You somehow think that you have been betrayed by your own feelings. And then you finally figure out that it “is what it is” and you move on to the next adventure. And then fate steps in…
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well l just started to your story from part 1 and 2 and already read about honeymoon so now l have to read between! lm curious to read…lm sorry for the things have went but that’s right you’ve been saved of being with him in the future! Love and pain is same everywhere..l share your feelings. l hope Türkiye made you feel better in your vacation. l’ll see in next posts.
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I love Turkiye and moving there was definitely one of the best things I have ever done. You are so right we all feel love & pain!
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so do you live here now? if you need something or etc you can ask me 😉
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I’m back in the UK for the winter and hoping to come back again in the spring – so nice to have another Turkish blogging friend
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sure 🙂 for me the same! in next posts lm gonna share places and things l like 🙂
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I just found you, thanks to the recommendation from Naomi. Found it very entertaining.
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I’m very honoured, Naomi’s a great blogger! Thank you very much and Happy New Year to you too! I’m going to be checking out Naomi’s recommendations too after I’ve managed some sleep from a night shift. Enjoy your evening and the year ahead.
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Seriously … I was sure this was fiction until I began reading the comments. You are a natural so get that novel going! On of the wonderful aspects of this infinite blogosphere is the opportunity to unexpectedly stumble upon the brilliance of others. Happy New Year and a pox on slimy Simon and your former other best friend, sneaky Sharon!
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In hindsight I really do believe in serendipity and I wouldn’t have had such amazing experiences if I hadn’t kicked the toad to the kerb. May all our dreams come true in 2013
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“…….castration with a blunt instrument option resulting in matching earrings and pendant.” Laughing so hard, I have tears 🙂 You really should send him the link to your blog you know 😆
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He might sue me but there again would he really recognize himself!
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Unbelievable! I can’t believe him – what a jerk. Glad you walked away, and look at all the stories you have to share! Great reading here! 🙂
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How very true and even worse I could have married him!!!! Thank you for stopping by
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Awful experience, but great reading. Thanks for stopping by. It gave me an opportunity to peak in on your life adventure.
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Thank you very much for returning the favour – much appreciated
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I am quite happy that you liked one of my posts–or else I wouldn’t have found this little gem that is your blog. ❤ I'm so sorry for what happened, but I'm glad you got out of that before you got hitched. Is it bad to dislike Simon and Sharon even though I don't know them? I think not. :O
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You’re so kind, of course you can hiss and boo at the baddies. I was all set to make jelly baby effigies out of the pair of them! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I do think my guardian angel was looking out for me that day! PS I love reading other posts because I’m nosey!
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Good riddance to bad rubbish! You are strong woman, many women would look at that barrel of sherry and all that preparation, and his stupid explanation, and gone ahead with it.
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I wasn’t tempted not even for a heartbeat
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First of all, I can’t believe all you sipped on was tea?! And you refrained from bitch slapping him? We need to get together so I can tell you all of my white trash coping mechanisms. WHAT. A. SHIT. I hate his guts for you – and oh so happy you gave him the boot!
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Had I known you back them my choice of poison would of course, been a skinny pirate. Can’t believe in hindsight I was so calm but then again I obviously knew I’d was making a huge mistake
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Jeez, what a jerk! I can’t believe he still thought you were getting married after that. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
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I had a very narrow escape, didn’t I?
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This has made me smile a little, people keep telling me Im better off without him – i hope i can see this soon.
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If I can start over, anyone can and you will it just takes a while….
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Pingback: The Show Must Go On (Part One) | Crazy Train To Tinky Town
Crikey! I’m hooked. What happens next? You see, I’m a little behind as I’m just coming to your adventures now. I’ll have to schedule a rainy Saturday afternoon and settle in for back to back episodes to catch up. Bear with me! 🙂
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Bless your heart! Big congrats to you on your success; I’m sure it’s just the start of many to come
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Thank you, Crazy Train, and congratulations on making a crappy situation work for you. Although I’m jumping ahead as I haven’t got to that bit yet .. Continued good luck to you!
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Haha! “Spending time with Sharon was like being close to you” That, and so many other lines, are just fantastic! Love your sense of humour. And, of course, you know by now, Sharon did you a favour!
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Hello & sorry its taken me a while; you are so right she did do me a favour but I my palms still itch to give them both the bitch slap of truth, at times!
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You are an amazing story teller Dallas, just sorry for your sake that this tale is true. So glad you got rid of the scumbag, you deserve so very much better.
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Oh bless you! We crossed paths again this summer and I just about refrained myself from pouring paint stripper across the sunroof of his car!
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wow. um……you were working all the time????!?!?!?!! amazing how people can justify behaviors. omg, I’ve never seen that one!! and then Sharon said you weren’t good enough for him????? yes, good riddance indeed. on to the next chapter 🙂
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Yes I stacked Baked Beans for England and had I known that I was financing his infidelity, I’d have changed the names of the mortgage
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I say BOLLOCKS to Simon!! He is a toe rag! I have been thru something similar & can imagine the hurt & rage & disgust you felt….
However your sense of humour pulled you threw…why do we always ‘make tea’ when there is a crisis?? Yep even in Canada!!!!
Sherri-Ellen & Nylablue ..
(on to part 2..)
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My mother is a little Hyacinth Bucket so out come the paper thin china cups in every emergency, yes even in crisis proper etiquette has to be observed. How good of you to read it all
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ROFWL>>>Your Mum being Hyacinth!! We love that show here…it has been running on one channel or another for over 2o years….
Tea solves everything it seems…
I am diligent if nothing else….I have to read the Honeymoon Stories…have to know. what. happens.
Nylablue has left the room….(I am laughing like a hyena)
Sherri-Ellen x0
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I swear she is Hyacinth, I write about her and my Dad all the time
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Maybe Patricia Rutledge met your Mum in thte past & then drew on her character…hehehe….
I will have to read more of your stories…. 😉
Sherri-Ellen & Nylablue
(It is pronounced BOUQUET; not BUCKET!)
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I’ve just begun on your Honeymoon Series…Part 1…and can’t wait to read on……..
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Good morning to you from rainy old Devon & I hope you’re not disappointed
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