In The Beginning (Part One)

“What do you mean, he’s been seeing Sharon?” shrieked my sister. Carla, my trusted friend since primary school, had arrived at my parent’s house like a tornado bringing along with her, news that had turned my world upside down.

All I could bring myself to numbly ask was “how long”? My childhood sweetheart, Simon whom I was supposed to be marrying in just over a week’s time, had been enjoying cosy romantic nights out with one of my other best friends, Sharon, whilst I had been stacking shelves in the local supermarket to pay for the Turkish honeymoon we had booked – well every little helps.

“Our Brad, has seen them in the Tangiers getting very cosy over a Tikka Masala on five-a-side nights, as he apparently dropped out of the team a couple months’ ago”. Now, that was too damn much that he was taking her to our place; the local Indian and on nights when I had been slaving away unpacking tins of baked beans. Not to mention that his tired alibi, brought a whole new meaning to the phrase “playing away”.

“His Facebook profile says he’s single as well and she’s been writing on his wall” she said; adding insult to injury. Who reads Facebook; well the whole world apparently, apart from night shift supermarket replenishment assistants.

Almost immediately after Carla had lobbed that particular grenade into our midst, my Dad disappeared to his allotment, my sister was screeching non-stop expletives that would have shamed a hairy East End Docker and my mother went to make tea. Although I could sense that she too wasn’t happy as she banged and huffed around the kitchen.

By the time the tea arrived, my sister and Carla had discussed in great detail, different ways in which they would murder Simon and dispose of the body. My mother’s only thin-lipped retort was “I’ve already paid for that barrel of sherry and I don’t think they’ll take it back”, referring to the reception drinks for our forthcoming wedding breakfast.

Spurred on by Carla, I texted Simon and asked him to call round after work. Never before had the phrase “live by the text, die by the text” seemed so appropriate. As the minutes ticked by, we drank enough tea for England and my sister and Carla continued with the theme of dispatching my fiancée in various grim and twisted methods. I had always considered myself a pacifist; however, even I was considering the castration with a blunt instrument option resulting in matching earrings and pendant.

Eventually, Simon arrived somewhat perplexed by my abrupt text and even more so when my sister and Carla gave him the evil eye; you know the look we women have perfected over the years that indicates impending trouble. Reluctantly, they left us alone in my mum’s pristine lounge usually reserved for special visitors; although I had no doubt that they were pressed up against the door trying to eavesdrop.

As the door slammed shut, I whispered just one word “Sharon?”

“Look love, I was going to tell you…”and when exactly I thought to myself, at the wedding reception, whilst I was in labour with our child or at the graduation of our first-born.

“It didn’t mean anything to me, you were working all the time…..” he stuttered as he caught my icy glare. “Spending time with Sharon was like being close to you
As he whined on, it was then I realised what a despicable deceitful selfish coward he truly was.

“We can put this behind us, we can be happy” he persisted “after all, we have our wedding to look forward to”. At that point I realised that it was true what they said about Devonians – thick in the arm and thick in the head!

With a big sigh and whilst simultaneously trying to restrain myself from bitch slapping him sideways of stupid; I began to tell him exactly why I wasn’t going to be marrying him any time soon.

“You’ll regret this; Sharon said you weren’t good enough for me” he shouted at me as I banged the front door behind him.

After he’d left, I stood on the patio with Carla whilst she smoked a sneaky B&H, as my mum wouldn’t tolerate smoking in the house. Inhaling deeply she said “I never liked him you know; he had no sense of direction even as a kid. Well, let’s be honest, would you want to be spending the rest of your life with a man who needed a bloody Sat Nav to find your erogenous zones?”

Well, when you put it like that!

wedding cake

142 thoughts on “In The Beginning (Part One)

  1. Absolutely keep going with the Saga of Simon the Snot and the Tickets to Turkey – a glorious birthday to you 😉 (and if it’s owt like round here for weather, for goodness sake keep warm)

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  2. Feels wrong to be entertained by someones misfortune, but we can’t really call it a misfortune now can we? I bet he’s the one feeling sorry now! I wonder if he’s ever reading your blog? Anyways, Happy Birthday! Have a good one x

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    • Thank you my lovely – how’s the blogging coming along – popped over this morning, loved yesterday’s cookie recipes. And you’re right at the end of the day I’m the real victor and the fact that I can now laugh about it with all of you signifies I’m well and truly over it

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  3. Well all I can say is…thank God for that tea! A “Sat Nav” too funny. 😆
    There is an alligator photogrpaher out there who does not have facebook either.
    Anyway sorry to hear this all went so badly astray. So what’s to become of the sherry D?

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  4. Ew, what a creep! Better to find out before hand. As for her, I can’t even bring myself to say her name, she should be utterly ashamed and dammed!

    Love your style! Thanks for liking my post today, if it weren’t for that I would not have found your blog – looking forward to more! 🙂

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  5. happy birthday to an amazing and inspirational writer who needs to get published, stat! i feel that it takes at least one traumatic love experience to know what we can or cannot tolerate in future relationships. (maybe ill write a future blog on that once my laziness passes). all i can say is thank goodness you left his sorry, sexually lost, ass! xoxo

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  6. That was highly entertaining…read like a novel… I wanted to find out what happened next… Although I feel really bad that happened to you. I found out something about my hubby three days before our wedding… Luckily, it was a little less earth-shattering (although still difficult o.O ) and we’ve since recovered nicely.

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    • I knew you were a really loyal person! I unfortunately, found it hard to move past this indiscretion but I know I did the right thing. Am posting the next couple of chapters over the coming weeks – I think you’re right my life does read like a novel

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      • Well, his problem was not infidelity. I thought things might be salvageable. I think you definitely did the right thing, especially considering his reaction and the things he said to you when you didn’t buy his bullcrap!

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  7. Your mum: All can be solved over a cup of tea! Priceless! LOL. Now, I’ve got the picture of how this whole thing imploded. Can’t wait for part 2. (Are you looking for a literary agent?) – Kaye

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  8. You’re so brave to share your story! I’m sorry this happened to you, but I think it was a blessing in disguise. I think this year will have lots of great things in store for you – Happy Birthday 🙂

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  9. You are too funny… and clever to use the events for a higher purpose. But I know from having been in similar circumstances, and making the alternate choice… it would have taken you a lot longer to find the funny side had you not told him to bugger off… I think a near miss is funnier than a train wreck – the life lessons have been valuable though. I congratualte you on so admirably upholding the adage “living well is the best revenge” … and naming & shaming Simon, “the Serial Shagger”, worldwide… oh and his partner in shame Sharon, who got what she so wanted & deserved 🙂

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  10. How wonderful to get the prequel. Sounds like you’re good and well rid of the Shithead Serial Shagger…
    Here’s wishing you a fantastic Happy Birthday! May ALL your birthday wishes come true….

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  11. Oh good, we get to finally learn about Serial Shagging Simon–I think that was the nickname you gave him a few posts back? And didn’t you say he got your ex-best friend pregnant? Good riddance!

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  12. I gasped out loud at so many of the things he said! What gall! And agree with everyone else – good riddance to him! And, positive: it does make for a great story, especially since you met Ahmed 🙂

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  13. Well, I was really hoping I was reading fiction…!
    Ug, is all I can say, and perhaps; just in time is better than never…! After all, this behaviour comes from a deep place; one not easily removed..! 😉

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  14. Brilliant, it’s a very good thing you got rid of him.
    You’re very creative. I like your writing style, there’s a spontaneous, straight-at-you quality about it. Thanks for posting

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  15. Well when you publish this story and earn your fortune then that will be payback time. And so true about Devonians. My dad was a Devonian.

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  16. I’m beginning to seriously doubt my ability to refrain from using expletives. No apology, just a “it meant nothing” and “we can be happy”. I know it doesn’t take the hurt away but rather you found out what he was really like before signing your life away to the. PS – if you’d “bitch slapped him sideways of stupid” he’d have landed up on the intelligent side, as he already appears to be on the stupid side. Glad you restrained yourself.

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  17. Oh, just catching up again and I am dumbfounded … he actually said the other one said you weren’t good enough? He said that? Sorry your self-restraint is saintly, I would have bitch-slapped him into forever, that is after I kicked him in the ass so hard he would have worn it as a hat for a week.

    GPS, so funny!

    Thankfully, you let the door hit him on the ass and avoided a future with Serial Simon.

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  18. Sorry I missed your birthday! I can’t take ALL the blame as it took me 24hours just to scroll down here – what a lot of comments. They’ve all said, in many different ways, what I feel, so I’ll be brief: great post (I’ve been waiting for the backstory for a while), brilliantly written (your stuff never fails to make me smile) and what a lucky escape. I hope you’re not like my mum; boy can she pick ’em!

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  19. Happy Birthday!! Just think that in 30 years from now you will see Simon when he is old, grey and fat – and thank God with all your being, that you didn’t get married to him!! Meanwhile, you will famous! Here is a suggestion from Katherine Hepburn: “The average Hollywood film star’s ambition is to be admired by an American, courted by an Italian, married to an Englishman and have a French boyfriend.”

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      • I am a firm believer in fate! I’ve seen too many miracles to think otherwise. Betrayal is a strange thing. You first think that it was the other person that was the betrayer, but in the end, you always bring it back to yourself. You somehow think that you have been betrayed by your own feelings. And then you finally figure out that it “is what it is” and you move on to the next adventure. And then fate steps in…

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  20. well l just started to your story from part 1 and 2 and already read about honeymoon so now l have to read between! lm curious to read…lm sorry for the things have went but that’s right you’ve been saved of being with him in the future! Love and pain is same everywhere..l share your feelings. l hope Türkiye made you feel better in your vacation. l’ll see in next posts.

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    • I’m very honoured, Naomi’s a great blogger! Thank you very much and Happy New Year to you too! I’m going to be checking out Naomi’s recommendations too after I’ve managed some sleep from a night shift. Enjoy your evening and the year ahead.

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  21. Seriously … I was sure this was fiction until I began reading the comments. You are a natural so get that novel going! On of the wonderful aspects of this infinite blogosphere is the opportunity to unexpectedly stumble upon the brilliance of others. Happy New Year and a pox on slimy Simon and your former other best friend, sneaky Sharon!

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  22. “…….castration with a blunt instrument option resulting in matching earrings and pendant.” Laughing so hard, I have tears 🙂 You really should send him the link to your blog you know 😆

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  23. Unbelievable! I can’t believe him – what a jerk. Glad you walked away, and look at all the stories you have to share! Great reading here! 🙂

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  24. I am quite happy that you liked one of my posts–or else I wouldn’t have found this little gem that is your blog. ❤ I'm so sorry for what happened, but I'm glad you got out of that before you got hitched. Is it bad to dislike Simon and Sharon even though I don't know them? I think not. :O

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    • You’re so kind, of course you can hiss and boo at the baddies. I was all set to make jelly baby effigies out of the pair of them! Hindsight is a wonderful thing but I do think my guardian angel was looking out for me that day! PS I love reading other posts because I’m nosey!

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  27. Good riddance to bad rubbish! You are strong woman, many women would look at that barrel of sherry and all that preparation, and his stupid explanation, and gone ahead with it.

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  28. First of all, I can’t believe all you sipped on was tea?! And you refrained from bitch slapping him? We need to get together so I can tell you all of my white trash coping mechanisms. WHAT. A. SHIT. I hate his guts for you – and oh so happy you gave him the boot!

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  31. Crikey! I’m hooked. What happens next? You see, I’m a little behind as I’m just coming to your adventures now. I’ll have to schedule a rainy Saturday afternoon and settle in for back to back episodes to catch up. Bear with me! 🙂

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  33. Haha! “Spending time with Sharon was like being close to you” That, and so many other lines, are just fantastic! Love your sense of humour. And, of course, you know by now, Sharon did you a favour!

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  34. You are an amazing story teller Dallas, just sorry for your sake that this tale is true. So glad you got rid of the scumbag, you deserve so very much better.

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  35. wow. um……you were working all the time????!?!?!?!! amazing how people can justify behaviors. omg, I’ve never seen that one!! and then Sharon said you weren’t good enough for him????? yes, good riddance indeed. on to the next chapter 🙂

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  36. I say BOLLOCKS to Simon!! He is a toe rag! I have been thru something similar & can imagine the hurt & rage & disgust you felt….
    However your sense of humour pulled you threw…why do we always ‘make tea’ when there is a crisis?? Yep even in Canada!!!!
    Sherri-Ellen & Nylablue ..
    (on to part 2..)

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  37. ROFWL>>>Your Mum being Hyacinth!! We love that show here…it has been running on one channel or another for over 2o years….
    Tea solves everything it seems…
    I am diligent if nothing else….I have to read the Honeymoon Stories…have to know. what. happens.
    Nylablue has left the room….(I am laughing like a hyena)
    Sherri-Ellen x0

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