I have to admit that I am not the best driver on the planet! In fact, I don’t really enjoy driving and fail to see why people get really excited about cars. In Dallas world, a car is to get you from A to B. I’m simply not interested in a car as a status symbol, or anything else for that matter. My ropey old Fiat Punto has seen me through many an ardous journey and I am loathe to give her up; that and the fact that my Lottery numbers have again failed to be recognised by Camelot.
I can also confess that my family members don’t like accompanying me on a drive either, actually my Mum and Dad will do anything to avoid getting in my car. My Dad keeps his car immaculately, mine not so much and when I’m a passenger in his he always asks me to remind him where the speed cameras are. As my Dad never drives that vehicle over 40mph, I don’t think it’s actually ever going to be a problem. In fact, the local council grass cutting machine regularly overtakes him.
When my Dad has to be a reluctant passenger in my car, he’s constantly coughing (fake) and advising me that there’s a speed camera ahead (untrue). He’s repetitively hitting the imaginary foot break on the passenger side and gripping onto the door handle as if he is in fear of his life. I assure you I am no speed queen and in fact the steering wheel shakes on my car if driven over 60mph. God forbid, if I have to drive him down a steep incline as when he alights he’s almost kissing the tarmac and muttering something about me applying for a pilot’s licence.
The other reason I get fairly stressed when I have one of my parents in the car, is that I swear like a trooper. For the most part, I am blissfully unaware that I am doing it; however, in moments of clarity I do feel good about having a good cuss with no-one to upbraid me about my use of expletives. I may be in the minority when I say, that I am still reluctant to swear in front of my parents as I think that might have them reaching for the liquid soap for a reprimanding mouthwash. What can I say you’re always going to be your parents’ child!
My eldest niece received her provisional licence through the post last week and is zealously canvassing family members for driving lessons. As is the case with most teenagers, she has the attention span of a gnat and thinks that car mirrors are for checking her lip gloss. Therefore, I think it highly unlikely that she will attract any volunteers any time soon.
I have offered to drive the entire tribe to Midnight Mass next week, but my Dad has suggested that we all walk and if we’re late, the Lord will understand!
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
My Baby
LOL – as it is with my mom. She gets nervous when I drive, but prefers that I drive because at her slightly advanced age, she realizes her limitations and relishes in having a chauffeur. Mind you, she goes so far as to sitting in the backseat when at all possible, as if that’s going to help her feel less afraid. lol…
Love the writing – your stories and anecdotes are a hoot.
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Love it – my Dad would only feel safe if he travelled with me with his eyes closed! Thanks for your kind words!
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Oh yeah! The slow ones are hazardous to the roads and the fast ones are all crazy. But then, driving fast is almost protocol here. You have to drive like maniac and be an absolute ass to merge and get your way. Crazy Montreal roads..haha…the majority isn’t nice at all. Reason why as we approach the speed cameras, we secretly hope that it flashes to catch the clueless maniac that doesn’t slow down.
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It’s the same in Turkey, they have no regard for other drivers and are usually smoking or on their mobiles whilst negotiating corners – maybe, I’ve picked up some bad habits!
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Haha. My brother keeps trying to push the imaginary break pedal when he drives with me. I tell him keep pushing but it will not make me go any slower :).
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Could it be a male family member thing?
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; ) take care
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Thank you – I promise not to drive too fast!
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Remind me to not get in the car with you. I’ll walk to mass too.
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I promise I am not the demon driver that my Dad thinks I am!
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You must be a better driver than my Dad! (hush, don’t let him overhear that) I don’t understand how I’m still alive and smiling.
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My Dad says he knows how you feel!!!!!
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😀 so funny… I can relate to it. Thanks for the laughter!
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You are always welcome!
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I like your Dad!
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I do too!
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I used to excell at swearing while driving but I really toned it down after moving away from the New York City area.
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I enjoy a good cuss in the car on my own but I’m sure a Psychiatrist would have something to say about that!
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I never swear when my parents are around, never!
My mom would give me that look, you know, the one we all fear.
The Lord will understand if you are late…that’s a good one.
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Why do they always make us feel twelve years old again!
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yep I shout at all the slow ones, and think that all the fast ones are going to crash anyway a few km ahead, so good luck to them. We have given up our car in central London and now only use Zipcar (car sharing). I think I am a very good driver, in fact I have taken extra lessons and have got an advance driving certificate ah ahh ahaahha ahhah 🙂 but I don’t like swearing in front of Mum….. 😉
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I took my driving test five times so I don’t think I could handle the stress of taking an advanced driving certificate.
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five times!!!?? oooooops 😉
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I hate driving too and I don’t get why people get so jazzed about it. Unfortunately, in the USA driving is a necessary evil since public transportation is a foreign concept here unless you live in New York City. I am such a nervous driver and I talk to myself as I do it. “Should I turn now? Now? Ok!” “Is this a good parking spot? Oh there’s somebody behind me, I’m going to speed up and park over there.” It amuses my sister to no end that I do this. What can I say, it helps me to vocalize what I am doing as I drive and helps me focus. My parents also get nervous when I drive, though they force me to drive since they don’t want me to depend on them forever to drive me places. When I win the lottery, I am hiring a private chauffeur.
We also go to midnight mass for Christmas but this year our church canceled midnight mass. It’s taking place at 10 PM instead, but I am sure the Lord will understand and not mind since I always fell asleep in midnight mass.
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10pm is a much better time for mass and I would loved to be chauffered around for the rest of my life but I don’t see that happening any time soon!
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I rather like to drive and in the past have been considered one of those crazy fast maniacs. But age, and perhaps wisdom, has slowed me down quite a bit, in a sensible, not senile, type of way. With less of my life left, I’m preciously guarding every minute. When I was in England many years ago, I noticed that motorists were considerably more maniac than me, and that I tended to speed up (and race around blind corners on those hedgerow country lanes) just to fit in. We all have our driving stories, don’t we (including the time a man (in obvious road rage) chased me for miles down the freeway and tried to run me off the road. I couldn’t shake him until I was able to get off and head for the nearest police station). Yours, however, are so funny. I love that bit about the grass-cutting machine overtaking your father.
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That must have been quite a scary experience Jennifer? The guy in the grass cutting machine always toots and waves as well, which as a passenger I find highly embarassing
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Love the ending…Love George Carlin!
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me too!
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My son gets his Learners permit in a month and I am dreading it! I also have a tendency to swear so it will be muzzle on for me for the duration of the drive.
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Didn’t think about a muzzle but you must be braver than I as I would rather have my eyes poked out with rusty nails than take my niece for a drive around the block.
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As always, very funny. Ciao, Carina
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Here I am once again – were testing the hotels wi-fi earlier. Unlike you I looooove driving (not during the dark hours) and relax. I am also a fast driver (or used to be), but out in India NO driving for me, far too dangerous – so instead I have to sit in the back and swear silently.
I hope “….the Lord will understand…..” our beloved Cathedral here in Bangkok is closed for renovation until 2014! Ciao, Carina
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Hello Carina – are you enjoying your holiday? I can imagine you in a nippy little sports car weaving around the traffic and driving in India must be very like driving in Turkey – hair raising!
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Haha, my first own car was a VWCabriolet with Porsche engine and a Masserati (me, of course) driver. Show off!!! Wanted later a little nifty Jaguar Sport in baby blue (ugh) -I must have been temp. Insane. And yes, driving here is like driving in Turkey and worse. Look blog and email Sunday. Ciao, Carina
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I just knew it! Will definitely be looking out for you on Sunday – could do with a little sunshine round about now! Take care
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Oh Dallas, I just saw you compare your Mom to “Hyacinth”, this is too funny.Please give her a Christmas hug from me – absolutely loved H. So wonderfully British OTT. Carina
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Carina, we even have the hideous Royal Doulton china with the English roses design! Bet you don’t see that in many of your lovely hotels.
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I love driving, don’t tend to muck around, and have very little patience when it comes to other motorists! When we were in the UK it was apparent how much faster everyone drives on the motorways there. Trust you will all make it to Midnight Mass one way or another…
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If it’s pouring down on Xmas Eve, they’ll be begging me to get the car – you wait and see Hayley!
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I love our little town where it’s not unusual for two cars going in opposite directions to stop in the middle of the road for a chat. No one seems to mind overly much. I learned to drive in the big city, but driving back there last year about freaked me out.
Love the quote. Carlin is one of my favorite comedians (I think the only one who isn’t a Brit).
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You make living in your town sound Idyllic, wholesome and just like the Waltons! Gunta, who are your favourite Brit comedians?
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Judy Dench is my all time favorite, but I love so many of the Brit comedies. I can’t remember all the specific actor names, but I loved As Time Goes By, Fawlty Towers, To the Manor Born, Keeping up Appearances (just for starters). I have most of them on disc and watch them over and over.
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I love all of them – and incidentally my mum is very Hyacinth (they have the same telephone voice)!
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Oh no! and I imagine your dad is very much a Mr Bucket? I have a warm spot for the dearly departed Alonzo – we share a birthday.
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He was a brilliant and very underrated actor – Geoff Hughes!
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I’m with you in that I cannot swear in front of my parents – at work and with friends it’s no holds barred! But even just a ‘bloody’ in front of Mum is a no go!
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The atmosphere in our house is Arctic when I slip up – which I try not to do particularly if my mother’s entertaining the clergy
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I think I may have picked up some bad habits here too. Although, maybe I was just not as restricted as I was in the west and I could let my inner driver run free. I’m not looking forward to driving in NL again 😉
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I have loads of driving bad habits and my Dad thinks I’ve got worse since I’ve been driving in Turkey
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Oh man, I could really relate to this entry. I actually really don’t like driving. I’m a New Yorker, and I’d much rather deal with public transportation than deal with Austin drivers. It’s called a blinker people, use that shit! A couple of friends of mine love driving and cars and they look at me like an alien when I go on rants about how much better Austin would be if you didn’t have to drive so much. I’m actually a pretty careful (probably bordering on timid), nervous driver but man, if I could get rid of my car, I would.
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I like the idea of being chauffered everywhere but I also enjoy public transport as I’m an avid people watcher. But working shifts, I need the car to get to work so for those few minutes everyday I can swear away to my heart’s content!
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Funny post! I hear you about the swearing, too. Steph
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But I feel so much better afterwards and actually no one else can hear me!
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Oh, how I wish I could have pushed the like button twice… Good one, Dallas 😀
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Don’t think I’d be as brave as you driving on those snowy roads as you do!
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You know…the next time your dad steps on his imaginary brake button, you should push your imaginary eject button on the roof of your car. (Remember KITT from Knight Rider had one of those to eject the passenger out of the vehicle through the roof?) 😉 when he asks you what you’re doing…you can tell him you were trying to help him eject! 😀
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What a fabulous idea Kitt! I could use it on everybody
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LOL! Wouldn’t that be hilarious? And it may shut a few people up. 😡
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Kitt, you are a genius!
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I think most people in the UK are great drivers compared to Americans. They have to be on those roads! Also, after driving here for 35 years, I had to take the test in the UK – terrifying, but I did pass.
Have a great holiday CTT. Look forward to more stories in the new year….
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I took it five times so in the end I think they just passed me so they didn’t have to see me again – well that’s what my Dad reckons
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HA! I’m definitelynot a good driver – I’m a speed demon, and driving in LA for four years made me more “aggressive” as the last guy who drove with me said. Good luck with your niece – hope she finds someone to drive her soon! 😉
And I don’t like to swear in front of my parents either 🙂
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Well Jill one thing’s for sure it won’t be me driving her around – not enough valium in the UK for that!
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Once you’ve driven in London you think you can drive anywhere. You then try Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Istanbul… and realise that you’re truly naive 😉 Best not to care about your car. As for turning the air blue… if it gets rid of your frustration, go for it, much better than road rage 😀
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You are pretty much professional drivers and I am just a hopeless amateur. And you’re right as I have an old knacker for a car, I think that does have an impact on how you drive!
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Thanks for a good laugh!
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I’m glad I made you smile
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The grass cutting machine comment left me in stiches… I can totally see someone driving and being passed by one. I wish you all the best over the holidays and thank you for always putting a smile on my face.
Your Canadian Friend
Pamela
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Hi Pamela! My Dad always waves to the driver of the grass cutting machine now; I think that’s because he’s overtaken that many times (they’re probably on first name terms too)!
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My child, 23, was in a very bad accident and could have killed herself. As her mother, aka a raptor in times of trouble, I “drove” out to the hospital where she was at 90+ MPH. It was one of those rare days (a Tuesday, I think) when there wasn’t a single cop on the road. A drive that normally takes 3-1/2+ hours was accomplished in under 2. This is nothing to be proud of. Now, having said that, my mother was terrified of my driving and I am now the one who clutches the passenger seat handle in my daughter’s car. We are, each of us, scared of being out of (our illusory) box of control when we’re not driving. That’s all it is. I had to laugh when you had a momentary moan about the niece-teenager’s lack of attention to the road; that’s exactly how your parents feel, and it’s gonna be worse when you’re a passenger in your niece’s car, and she’s terrifying YOU. 🙂
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I’d never thought about it that way, Alison. Maybe, I do need to take my niece for a spin around the block after all but I’ll need to take my brave pills first.
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Most people have no idea what it’s like to be the scared person, clutching the hand rail until it happens to them. It also seems to accompany the moment when you begin, dimly, to understand that yes, one day you *too* will be old. ;-0 🙂
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Great post, Dallas, and I so enjoyed reading all your comments too. I would NEVER swear in front of my mom; she would have a cadenza. 🙂 i also must be one of the worst passengers ever. My darling hubby is the best, most careful driver, but I still offer my expert advice, just like Hyacinth with poor, long suffering Richard. 😀
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It doesn’t seem to matter how old you get, you’re always going to be your parents child! Hadn’t thought about it before but my mum is a pretty front seat driver, I think that’s because she’s never had a licence.
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So funny!
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Naomi, clearly you’ve seen me drive!
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Yes! Obviously anyone not driving at the exact speed limit as me is either an idiot or a maniac. Very well put! 🙂
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Not sure which category I would fall into though!
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and whom are the idiot and maniac scared of most? female drivers! lol. happy Christmas!
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Exactly, that’s why our insurance is cheaper!
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Awesome post, I laughed the whole way through it! I consider myself like THE BEST driver and take pride in that *fact* – Sometimes, oddly, my passengers don’t feel the same way …. Haha…
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I have moments when I think I am a good driver and then reality kicks in!
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That was just too hilarious 😆
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Ah, yes.. driving… Well, I am currently without a licence, as the bad Greek traffic police decided to actually do their job for once, and picked me to bully. One of those nasty cameras caught my little blue Yaris doing 111km (80 limit- that is snail speed on that stretch of road) in March. They got round to sending me a ticket in November, and I had to hand in my licence. One month into the two month ban, I got – yes, you guessed it – ANOTHER ticket, this one dating from October. So when I go to pick up the licence in January I’ll have to hand it right back, till March 🙂 I feel like a teenager having to get lifts everywhere! And the Mister is NOT happy on Saturdays when he has to get up at 0630 to take me riding 🙂
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I still have my licence but sadly nobody wants to travel with me when I drive! Bet you can’t wait til March!
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This so reminds me of my family. Each time I visit my parents (2 hour drive there), when I’m getting in the car to go home, my dad reminds me to “keep my foot out of the carburateur”. I’ve had a few speeding tickets in my time. My dad tells my mom and I that we should both have numbers on the side of our car since we drive like race car drivers.
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My Dad does exactly the same but funnily enough thinks he’s the bomb at driving!
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I swear though, people here in New Zealand really DO drive like maniacs! Love your writting, and look forward to reading more.
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You surprise me, I thought it would be far more civilized than other places. Thank you for your kind words
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