I think it’s safe to say that yesterday was not one of the better days at Dyson Abbey. Firstly, Chloe the Koi Karp Cat Burglar got herself stuck between a tree and the back of next door’s shed, so hearing her piteous cries I was prompted outside in sub-zero temperatures to retrieve her.
As my neighbours were out, I set about climbing over the five foot high fence to discover that I no longer have cat-like reflexes. I got stuck aloft the fence and subsequently sustained heavy grazing to my thighs when I launched myself over it. Unsurprisingly, Chloe suddenly was able to liberate herself without assistance.
My mother who is an ex nursing sister, with the bedside manner of an army general, insisted that she apply TCP to my affected areas which is why I spent the day smelling like toilet disinfectant and with a cold compress applied to my thighs because they felt like they were burning in the fires of hell.
The day didn’t get much better, after my mother fell off some steps whilst dusting her Royal Doulton collection and was taken to hospital with multiple fractures in an ambulance. Couldn’t really fold her up like a piece of origami and throw her into the back of the car now, could we!
Whilst she was induced in a drug fuelled slumber, I completed all the hospital paperwork including cause of accident which I documented as pole dancing and was able to write “break a leg” in permanent marker pen on her plaster cast. It is unlikely, she is going to be impressed when she regains consciousness but as she’s fairly immobile for the time being, I’m reasonably safe.