My first love was a boy called Darren Butler, who used to live in the house opposite ours. He was a couple of years older than me and we exchanged our first chaste kiss in our back garden under the confetti petals of the old apple tree when I was just seven years old. What can I say I was an early starter! The summer holidays were spent together chasing after the ice-cream van, playing monopoly and riding our bikes up and down the street in-between my horse riding lessons and his scout camp. Our devotion was so strong that he even held my hand after I had fallen through a bank of nettles into the stream that ran along the back of our garden whilst I screamed like a banshee, until my Dad came out and carried me inside to the ministrations of my mother.
That winter our central heating broke down during a cold snap and my Dad placed an old paraffin heater in the bathroom to take off the chill. My sister and I always used to share our baths and inevitably I would be the last one out. As the bathroom was the size of a postage stamp, it couldn’t really accommodate two small hyperactive children intent on tormenting each other. Subsequently, whilst trying to escape from one of my sister’s Chinese burns, I inadvertently burned my bare backside on the grill of the paraffin heater; leaving a perfect set of branded tram lines on my arse.
Amid a great deal of screaming and tears, soothing ointment was applied to my battle scars and in honour of my war wounds I was allowed chocolate as a rare treat before bedtime. I slept soundly that night despite my injuries, blissfully unaware of the humiliation to come.
Over the following week, my mum took every opportunity to show my scars to all and sundry as a warning of what happens when you mix children and paraffin heaters in a small confined space. She would whip down my pants without warning, despite my protests, as a caution to other mothers, who would cluck sympathetically at my branded bare backside.
One such day, much to the mortification of my seven-year old heart, she carried out her usual practise to Mrs Butler, my beloved’s mother. Imagine the horror of having your one true love witness this ritual humiliation. Sadly, I was never able to look him in the eye again and our romance was over as fast as it took my mother to drop my drawers.
Many years later Darren, who is now a much-respected policeman and I met up at a school reunion where he promptly told me with a twinkle in his eye if I intended to “moon” the party, that he would be duty-bound to arrest me. I assured him that my knickers would be remaining firmly in place.
Oh the joys of childhood….
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No one can bring you down to earth like your mother!
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I am now sat here thinking of when I was seven, such a long long time ago.
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Of course, I’m only talking ten years ago LOL!
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ha ha ha.
Oh to be young and stupid again, instead of being old and stupid.
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Oh, the humiliations of childhood! The red schorching shame 😉
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LOL very good and I wasn’t able to sit down for a week!
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I was such a bad child that the only lasting mark I had on my behind was the outline of my father’s hand. I had bitten my brother during bath time. The story was often retold but my Dad never smacked me again after seeing that hand print (100% amplified by the hot water) – I got off lightly going forward 😀
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Oh the sweet, sweet days of childhood romances… It seems so long ago now!
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Nothing like losing your first love!
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You got to love those childhood memories…
I just have to ask… Do you still have a scar from the branded tram lines on your arse?
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I am delighted to report Maggie, that my arse is totally unblemished!
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🙂
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Funny this. I had a similar branding acquired in much the same circumstances – mine were circular. It was the doctor, called in at the time, who then became a family friend, and always insisted I display the origins of our first encounter – I was well into my teens before the marks faded away completely.
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Had they remained I would have been wearing them like a badge of honour but to be fair they disappeared pretty quickly, but I told my Mum she was lucky I didn’t report her to social services
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What mothers will do to their children. What a humiliating way to lose your first love. Sorry that I’m having a good laugh at your expense 😀
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Twenty years or so on and Darren’s still laughing!
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Ouch and then double ouch!
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And I had the scars to prove it!
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Oh, poor thing! Mothers are horrible! Horrible! Oh, wait, I’m a horrible mother….
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I will be too one day and I’m currently working on being a horrible aunty – as that’s what aunties do best!
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How would the path of true (?) love have run if your mother had shown some sensitivity to your modesty?!
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I could have been Mrs Butler!
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Agh, mothers! What a story. Thanks for telling this tale! 😉
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Will we be the same one day I wonder?
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Sweet and painful story – I guess there has been moment when you gladly would have showed the scares … later in life *smile
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Nowadays, a swift glass of red wine and anyone can see them!
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*laughing … that’s my kind of girl. *smile
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How mortifying! Leave it to your parents to embarrass you worse than anyone else ever could!
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Parents specialise in public humiliation and I have discovered it doesn’t get any better as you get older!
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Nope, not really… They just develop new mechanisms for your torture….like appearing drunk in public, or humiliating you in front of a new boyfriend. lol
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Humiliation and heartbreak in one foul swoop. How young to experience such a life lesson!
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Exactly my point Hayley, I was destined to be a tragic romantic heroine!
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Good point, there’s a bit of a theme forming.
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Oh dear! So what was worse do you think?… The initial humiliation of childhood Darren witnessing the de-pansing, or adult policeman Darren not only remembering the incident but feeling compelled to bring it up?! 😯 🙂
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If he’d bought me a swift lemonade, he could have seen it again for himself!!!!! What can I say, I’m a cheap date
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I sometimes wonder how any of us ever survive childhood?
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My Dad often remarks how surprised he is that my sister and myself made it to adulthood – can’t think what he means by that, of course!
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no Romeo and Juliet then…. funny how you still remember this episode. At about that age I found a note in my satchel after school from two boys in my class (yep, I got 2 for the price of one 😉 who said they loved me (about 7/8 years old we were too). I was living with grandma who promptly took the note to the teacher and the boys got told off…. Imagine? 7 y old? sweet childhood romance…. glad you brought up the story so I remembered mine.
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I am partial to a bit of romance even if it is starcrossed! Two boys? You were a very lucky girl!
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🙂
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good heavens your poor wee arse blistered once then burned again and again.
*anna
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In more ways that one but it was the burn of lost love that I remembered the most!!!!!
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You know I read this late last night. I was giggling and afraid I would wake my husband. I remember my mother yanking my pants down in front of someone (another woman) for some reason. I’ll have to ask her if she remembers who and why. .. But I love that Darren remembered and brought it up to you many years later. The image was probably “burned” into his young brain at the time. 😉
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I think I may have scarred him for life and not necessarily in a good way! Our mothers both have a lot to answer for!
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He sounds quite lovely (especially for a 1st paramour…)
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I was very lucky but I’ve since paid for it with a less than lovely paramour
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Lovely, truly I am dumbfounded Darren didn’t become your constant and devoted admirer forever and a day after that. True love, so fickle.
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I laughed when I read this the first time and then I read it again and laughed some more. My daughter told me off the other day for telling all the other mothers we both had head lice. Soooo embarrassing. (I take an open & honest approach – unlike many other mothers who pretend they’ve never had them in their lives!)
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We’ve all had head lice too – those that have escaped it, have been very lucky indeed. We all spent Xmas Day sat around having lunch with anti lice mousse in all our hair – nice present from the kids! They really shouldn’t have bothered
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Oh, this is so funny. Mothers can be so insensitive at times, and yours was no exception. You’ve obviously never lived it down. 😀
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She should be nicer to me as I keep telling her I will get to choose her nursing home one day!
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Oh my goodness, what a predicament! Loved reading this… you are such a great story teller 🙂
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Thank you for your nice comment – I get a lot of inspiration from the fam though!
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Been wondering… is officer Darren still single??
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Sadly no! He didn’t wait for me afterall!
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Embarrassing moments are the best stories. I’m sorry you had to suffer the humiliation of having your bare behind shown to everyone! I have to say, a 7 year old is a little old to be casually showing your friends her bottom! Parents can be so ridiculously embarrassing.
Mine used to embarrass me just with the ridiculous way she danced around the house (never in front of my friends, mind you!). She still dances ridiculously around the house (one of these days I am going to secretly record her and post it on Youtube) but I am no longer embarrassed. She was doing it just this past weekend when she figured out how to play music on her brand new Itouch (which she still doesn’t know how to use) so she had a celebratory dance party all by herself!
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I love the sound of your mum – I think I’m a dancing queen after I’ve had a couple of shandies and let me know when you post it on Youtube so we can all watch!
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Aw that is such a sweet story of young love thwarted. Who knows how that changed your life for ever
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We could have eloped!
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You could make countless ending variations on that story. 🙂
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Glad he and you could joke about it now…
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I was rather hoping he’d forgotten!
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Hehe So cute!
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Why thank you so much!
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Absolutely roaring with laughter here in Canada!!!!!!!! That is one of THE funniest stories ever!!!!
I am so glad you & Darren did meet up @ the Reunion & could joke about it…..
Why do Mothers always do such weird things to us when we are children???? HAHAHA!!!
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That’s the tragedy of living in a small village community, no-one every forgets! I’m glad I could make you laugh though.
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I lived in a small community when I was a child & everyone was in everybody’s business. Didn’t matter what I did it was ALL OVER TOWN within 24 hours!!!! I was away fro 29 yrs & moved back 17 yrs ago. Nothing has changed, hahaha!!!!
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🙂 🙂 🙂 sorry can’t stop smiling.
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My mother was laughing when I reminded her!
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Now I know where you got your sense of humor from. LOL
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I actually love the sound of Darren 😆
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now that would be embarrassing!
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Central heating – you were posh lol the bath sharing bit brings back so many memories I always ended up with the tap end
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Me too! Our siblings have a lot to answer for! My Dad has just told me that he did his electrical apprenticeship in Huddersfield (he said many years ago at David Browns) – I did tell him you weren’t around during the dark ages!
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No but just to prove what a small world it is thats where other halves younger brother is doing his apprenticeship now 😀
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Gotta tell my Dad this and there was I thinking that company would be long gone
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no they make those windmill things to generate electricity from wind now
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http://www.examiner.co.uk/news/local-west-yorkshire-news/2012/02/29/huddersfield-s-david-brown-gear-systems-wins-1-2m-wind-power-innovation-grant-86081-30427484/
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Aw!! Poor embarrassed kid! I would definitely have remembered forever if my mother had whipped down my pants in front of my true love. Love even more that he remembered it though ^.^
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