Hands Up, If You Think Speeding Lead Therapy (A Bullet) Is One Of The Best Treatments For Some Patients

It’s been a very trying week at Dyson Abbey with two cantankerous “olds” to look after. My Dad has to be one of the worst patients ever; I have already had to frogmarch him back from the allotment twice and have promised him that I will staple his hospital discharge papers to his forehead should I need to execute yet another search and rescue operation.

His boredom knows no bounds; he’s opened the washing machine mid cycle and flooded the kitchen allegedly looking for a towel. Trust me when I say that there are no shortages of my mother’s fluffed and pressed towels in this house so I’ll have to assume that he is still under the influence of the anaesthetic. He’s constantly roaming the house like a caged animal, locking doors, switching off lights and just generally tormenting my mother who’s still laid up with a broken leg.

He managed to drag me for a walk to the cemetery today in sub-zero temperatures on the grounds that I need to get out more! He assured me that according to the local weather forecast, it would be cold with sunny spells and I should probably wear some sunscreen; whilst we walked, it started sleeting!

Chloe the infamous Koi Carp Thief has had to have various trips to the vets as she now has been losing her fur so much so we have now renamed her Bald Monkey Bum. After all sorts of costly injections and tests, the vet has now established it’s stress and prescribed Valium. Should I find myself in the carer role for much longer, I will no doubt be sneaking some of her medication; after all it can’t be all that stressful when the biggest decision of the day is which lap to sleep on! Last year I mistook Hobo’s worming tablets for vitamins, fortunately, there were no obvious side effects and disappointingly, I didn’t acquire cat-like reflexes overnight either, however, my ability to sleep in trees has now become the stuff of legends. I had hoped to have captured a photograph of said bald arse for the post but she’s not been very obliging; and my mother declined to have her picture taken either!

My mother is insisting that I cook Bald Monkey Bum, fresh chicken and fish every day and when I do sneak in the occasional packet of cat food, it’s sniffed with disdain and discarded immediately with a pathetic mewl that suggests she only wants the good stuff. However, as some of the gourmet cat food bears an uncanny resemblance to French pate and as I am a student of the Bette Davis School of Nursing, I have become sorely tempted to make amendments to my parents’ dietary requirements.

More whine with that French Bread & Pate?

Nurse Dallas

Nurse Dallas

57 thoughts on “Hands Up, If You Think Speeding Lead Therapy (A Bullet) Is One Of The Best Treatments For Some Patients

      • My poor dad suffered a stroke, he now suffers from old-timers, sometimes he is fully with it, and other times he drifts off.

        It is a shame because he had a great sense of humour.

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      • I know how awful this can be as I lost my beloved Grandma to the “long goodbye”; like many diseases it does not discriminate and your loved ones fade away from you gradually and there’s little or nothing that can be done. My Grandma used to have lucid moments when the twinkle in eye returned for a brief while and I hope you get a little of those with your darling Dad

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      • I only get to see him when I return to the UK on a visit. once every 3 months.

        But yes he still has the lucid moments. He explained that in his new house, mum has the bedroom upstairs and he is not supposed to go up the stairs any more. But his eyes glittered when he said he waits until she goes to bingo and then he goes and has a look around.

        It is the allure of the forbidden that drives him. I wonder if I inherited my Black Sheep (Pecora Nera) from him.

        2 years ago they put him on a drug and is was as if he was 40 again. He was laughing down the phone and his strong voice was back. Alas the drug only worked for 10 days and then he dropped back into his self.

        Life is very short so we must make the most of every minute and love those around us.

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  1. Dallas you are so hilarious!! I laughed out loud through much of this, especially your dad insisting you wear sunscreen out into the sleet. Sounds like you’re having a lovely time at home. I think the pate and French bread is the perfect solution! 🙂

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  2. ROFL…What Ever Happened To Baby Jane is it? HA! She’s been reincarnated me thinks. Good luck engineering that crazy train…you have some good passengers. 😉

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  3. You are on a roll today, Dallas! Hysterical! I would suggest saving yourself some time and not cooking the chicken and fish for the cat. Cats adore them raw. Sit your da down in front of the computer and have him watch all of Late Bloomer again. That will keep him occupied for about 132 minutes! 🙂 Hope your mom continues to improve! “no shortage of fluffed towels….” funny stuff! – Kaye
    http://www.youtube.com/user/kittrellkaye

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    • An an ideal world that would be a perfect solution, however, my Dad is not technically minded at all and if he would just sit there and watch without fiddling, I’d have a peaceful afternoon but as he would have to adjust this and that, I would be up and down the stairs all afternoon like a pair of whore’s drawers.

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  4. Hilarious stuff, Dallas, but I have a feeling that beneath the hilarity, there is an air of quiet desperation. I have never in my life, cooked for a cat, and if my hubby opened the washing machine in mid flight, I’d stuff a well-fluffed towel down his gullet. 😆 I’m so glad that ‘Bald Monkey Bum’ didn’t co-operate for a photo shoot. 😯

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  5. Ha ha, love your funny gene! You seem to be able to draw humour even from the depths of desperation 😆 I would heed Maddie’s advice…..an ice cream binge is the cure all for most ills.. And I don’t fancy looking at a bald bum either, thank you very much!

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  6. Your amazing sense of humor will see you through the most cantankerous situations… and we get to enjoy it, too. Hope everyone recovers soonest (including you)! Especially you!

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  7. Hilarious, as always, Dallas. Btw, you know that cats pick up stress from their humans, right? So please don’t cook Bald Monkey Bum, as that would just add to her stress (yes, I know what you meant, but that’s how it reads and I couldn’t resist the chuckle).

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  8. Ai,ai, that sounds like tough times! But don’t cook the cat (Freudian slip?) whatever you do. Hope your patients will be up and about soon. What happened to your mom? Did I miss a post? Anyway, take care and keep laughing. (I hope you laugh as loud while writing as we do while reading ;-))

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  9. You crack me up . . . while your recuperating folks crack you apart. Dark humour is the only way to survive life’s curveballs and trials . . . I have the scars and the empty wine bottles to prove it. I’ll be praying for you (and your parents. The Bald Money Bum, not so much) and awaiting the next installment from Ottawa, Canada. xoxo

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  10. Oh my god that is hilarious you accidentally took medicine for your cat! I hope I do not do that with my dog’s medication hahaha. My sister took him to the vet on Friday (along with a stool sample! My sister was mortified she had to provide dog feces and take that with her in the car but the vets were so happy she brought it along haha) and it turns out he tested positive for lyme’s disease, go figure!

    I hope your parents get better soon and out of your hair. It’s no fun watching your parents when they are unwell. My mom got a really bad infection in the fall and she was coughing up a storm one night, so violently I thought I would have to call an ambulance! It was so miserable seeing her so sick.

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  11. Cantankerous – I don’t know why I love that word so much but I really do. My word, you dad took you walking in the sleet because you needed to get out more! As if you hadn’t, doing the search and rescues from the allotment. I definitely think some “pate” for the meals is in order. At least you’ll be able to quietly laugh, whilst swallowing pills and sleeping in the tree.

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  12. Your poor old Dad probably took one of those long silent pauses between cycles as evidence that the machine had stopped. Okay I was trying to raise a point in his defence but then I realised that anything coming out of the washing machine would be wet and therefore useless as a towel so strike that thought 🙂

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  13. I know how difficult it is to keep an old bored bloke in line but I had to chuckle when I read your Mum said to cook Bald Monkey Bum, chicken and fish… Make sure Cold Momkey Bum is marinated first… 🙂

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  14. Dallas, thanks for my first laugh of the day – or should I say “guffaw.” You had me at “frogmarched.” Having gone through a very similar thing lately, I can totally relate. Thank goodness for your wonderful sense of humor. All the best, Terri

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