The Gift You Can Open Again & Again

I should have known that Serial Shagger and I were not a match made in Heaven when he gave me a box of beeswax candles one Christmas having left his present shopping until the last-minute and stumbled from the pub on Christmas Eve to select the first thing he came across. I could have saved my Dad the expense of a new suit he would never wear and myself a shedload of grief, had I seen the neon danger signs smacking me on the forehead. However, a former boss beat me in the most unromantic gift category when her husband (she divorced him soon after and bloody right too) presented her with a visitors book for her birthday. So I completely understand the importance of wanting something special and memorable for your significant other; however, the difficulty arises when you work for a company who insist on paying you a pittance thus preventing you from purchasing that Ferrari that your loved one so admired.

One of my colleagues wanted to do something unforgettable for her boyfriend’s upcoming birthday and asked us for some suggestions. Balloon ride someone said, which was promptly discounted owing to the cost and the fact that my friend worked for the same company as I and earned the same magic beans. Aftershave or jewellery were considered just a tad too predictable. So the million dollar question was what else would be cheap and make this birthday one to remember?

So I jokingly suggested that as she had a budget smaller than a stripper’s thong that she wrap herself in a red bow and surprise him when he got home. What a great idea she said!

So on the big day after her shift had ended she toddled off home to take a leisurely bubble bath followed by a strict beauty regime of buffing, exfoliating and moisturising in preparation for an evening of romantic lurve.

Having lit and stoked the open fire burning away in the grate, she settled down on the leather sofa, all buffed and naked where she strategically placed the ribbon. However, as darkness fell, the heat from the fire made her a little drowsy and she dozed off to sleep and didn’t hear the doorbell when it rang. She woke up abruptly to the front door slamming and the lounge door being slowly opened.

“Surprise” shouted the in-laws brandishing presents and a rather substantial birthday cake having let themselves in. My friend said afterwards that she didn’t know which one of them was more embarrassed. It was one of those awkward moments when no-one knows quite what to say, apart that is from father-in-law who broke the silence with “nice tattoo”.

Next year it goes without saying that her boyfriend will be getting the safe and predictable option of aftershave.


51 thoughts on “The Gift You Can Open Again & Again

  1. Oh, how embarrassing! But funny and well written, Dallas. :0
    The first present my husband ever gave me was a Norwegian/English dictionary and boy was I ever disappointed! Gift giving is definitely not one of his strong points 😦


  2. As I read I was sure it was the boyfriend and all his mates from the pub coming in the door. Guess your friend, in hindsight, might have been relieved it was ‘just’ the in laws 😉


  3. Hahahaha. Love this one, Dallas. Lucky that the sight was only viewed by family members. 🙂 Beeswax candles I’d certainly take over a visitors’ book. 🙂 You really have the knack for getting the most out of a sorry tale, and creating much hilarity in the process.


  4. Yes, indeed, the boyfriend and his mates would have been much worse. I thought stories like this were made up just for movies and tv shows, but they DO actually happen. Dressing up (or down) can be a great gift, but your friend might want to try a mini-skirted maid’s outfit (complete with duster) next time.


  5. Thankfully it was only the in-laws, however one must ask where in Hades was husband and why do others have keys?

    Oh the humiliation!

    You do know how to tell a story though my friend!


  6. I swear to god, you must be living in a real-time soap! Hilarious!! I can so totally see the awkwardness here, but I’m also still laughing haha!


  7. Oh how embarassing, bet the in-laws made no more unannounced visits after that. Poor birthday boy though must still be wondering what might have been …


  8. I would have jumped up, fluffed my bow, and shouted right back….SURPRISE! I knew you were coming so I put on my birthday suit and (bow) tie! They were right to be embarrassed…she, on the other hand, should not have been…her home, her hubby, her gift. 🙂


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