Home Sweet Home

Nothing could have prepared me for the devastation as I opened the door to my former home. My family tried hard to mask their disbelief but I could tell that they too were pretty upset.

After a lengthy and may I add, expensive legal battle where I very nearly had to sell a kidney, Serial Shagger had at long last relinquished our house and handed the keys back to me. Although surveying the spoils of war around me, it was obviously a hollow victory.

Now gazing around at the destruction, to say that the house was nothing short of a building site would have been a serious understatement. Fireplaces and walls had been ripped out leaving gaping holes and scaffolding where they had once been. The bathroom lacked a bathroom suite and one of the bedrooms a floor.

As most of you will know I am no builder but common sense would dictate that one room should have been completed before tackling the next project and leaving the entire house in such disrepair.

A warning look from my sister prevented my Dad from suggesting a nice few shelves although exactly where he was planning to erect them was going to be a problem on account of having no internal walls to secure them to.

Hobo, one of our family cats, who’d accompanied us on the walk through the village to my new hovel, seemed the least unperturbed by the décor and as he wasn’t big in the grooming department, a lick and a spit every two weeks usually sufficed, he certainly wasn’t going to be losing sleep over the lack of bathing facilities. However, my hygiene regime was a little more stringent and I wasn’t going to be making do with the outside garden hose anytime soon.

My sister tried to cheer me by remarking that at least I hadn’t inherited someone else’s horrendous taste in wallpaper or artexed ceilings and as my Dad tried to emphasize that point by testing the sturdiness of the ceiling with an old broom, the plasterboard collapsed so that clearly wasn’t going to be a problem anymore either. Judging by the amount of work that needed doing, I was going to have to kiss goodbye to any thoughts of another sunshine Turkish holiday and possibly eating for the next century.

My mother who has a knack for stating the obvious said “well you can’t stay here, Deborah. Where would you put your toothbrush”?

64 thoughts on “Home Sweet Home

  1. Parents! Unrivalled in their ability to keep our feet on the ground. Sounds like you’ve got a big job ahead, but at least there’s no question about ownership. Whatever changes you make will be yours to feel proud of and nothing beats that! Good luck 🙂

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  2. Good gawd and 10 other men! What a shitbag…so sorry to hear this…and your mother is a charmer! Anyone who can make us laugh (and yes, you too) at a time like that? A keeper. Wish I was closer…I could pitch in, it’s kinda what I do! Good luck Tink!!

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  3. Has Serial Shagger wreaked serial revenge? Sit back, deep breaths and prepare your revenge – ice cold and biting. Perhaps the publication of your story as a top ten best seller might go some way to settling scores – we’ll all shop him to the press 😉

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    • Oh what I’ve wished on him in the last couple of weeks, including bubonic plague & nits! But on the bright side you are right, didn’t Adele make millions off her smug ex bf? So there’s hope for me yet!

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  4. Sorry to hear about these new developments. I can recommend Polish workers, they work hard, good, for a reasonable price and these days it’s all legal! Good luck!

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  5. Ugh, sorry to hear about your douchebag of an ex and the state he left your house in! Will you be selling the house or redo the work Serial Shagger “tried” to get done? Was he actually living there? On the bright side, you and Serial Shagger are no longer together and your family seems to be in your corner. I pity your former friend who has to deal with him now! (Because I think they had a baby right?)

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    • I think I will probably sell it but even if I do that I have to bring it up to a certain standard and yes he was living there with his new family but I think that they’d moved out by the time he took it all apart – bless him!

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  6. you should publish Serial Shagger address and he’ll have a long number of your blogging buddies at his front door anytime soon…… with a few blogging words and more!!!
    As some other friends have commented above, at least it was the house he ruined, and not your life. I know from experience (see our blog when the house looked like Beirut) it’s stressful to see one’s house in pieces, but slowly slowly you’ll fix it, and then Dad can hang a few shelves for all your books and ornaments…

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  7. Moms always know what to say, don’t they? Serial Shagger is such a shit. I am still hating his guts in Nashville for you right now. And I wish I was there to help you patch the place up…nicely. I, too have had to almost sell a kidney to get where I needed to go…hugs from Ted and me!

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  8. oooh…. nothing to say but I am so sorry about this. As my dearly departed used to always remind me: this, too, shall pass. I truly believe in the karma kops and serial shagger will get his in the end (or his end?) 😕

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  9. Oh, no… You didn’t deserve that!
    It may take time, and money, but you’ll fix it up. And then you’ll go on to live a much better life without him, than you ever would have with him. Just remember Dallas, you being happy is the best revenge 🙂

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  10. Sometimes, even when we inherit something… or it’s ours beyond all contention, it’s best to give it to charity, and leave no forwarding address for thank yous. Still, as always, I admire your description.

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  11. Oh my gosh you poor woman. That serial shagger is such a douchebag to leave the place like that for you. But at least you can enjoy the metaphor: he left it as a representation of himself – sloppy, half-assed and beneath respectibility. You’ll get that place turned around and into your own soon enough. In the meantime, you’ve got family and friends there as well as these warm hugs from afar supporting you!

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  12. I’m with EllaDee, trust Hobo and you’ll get there eventually. It must seem like a horrendous nightmare at the moment but I have a feeling you’ll rally round when you’ve got over the shock and turn it into a postiive experience. Easy for me to say, of course. If I were you I’d up my tea and cake intake for the time being.

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  13. What lovely parents you have, Dallas. As for ‘Serial Shagger’, “May the fleas of a thousand camels” etc. etc. 😦 I’m sure you’ll get that house ship shape, but can you not sue him for the wanton damage?

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  14. 😀 And that’s her biggest concern, where the toothbrush will go 😀 😀 Sorry I’m laughing at this but good golly, you really do manage to make horrendous situation incredibly funny. Good luck with the reno work

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  15. May every STD every thought of or not yet invented climb into his pants and stay there. What an Azzhat!

    Okay, here is the thing though you might not have a place for your toothbrush (your mother is a wonder) but it is your place where your toothbrush can’t remain. You win!! 🙂

    Don’t you live wining? I do.

    So now, make yourself a Dream Board. Plan each room to your liking. Pick each color, each baseboard, each light fixture, each faucet, each drawer pull, each counter top. It is all for you, no one else just you!

    Don’t you love winning, I think it is spectacular.

    Take pictures of the before. Take pictures of what you want for each room. Get testers of colors. Create what you want, just for you, only for you. It is all for you.

    Isn’t winning wonderful.

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  16. How can you not feel devasted? What an unholy mess. It may take a long while before you begin to feel the satisfaction of putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. But keep the faith. Remind yourself how strong and resilient you are. Try to take the time to measure and appreciate your achievements, ever inch of the way. Eat well, sleep, write and take comfort (and give thanks) for the amazing support system you have in your loved ones. We’ll be cheering you on from the 4 corners of the globe. xoxo

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  17. Unbelievable. It astounds me how disgustingly some people behave. But nonetheless, a massive achievement to have secured the house and in time it will become home. It seems you are not yet done with life’s curve balls but your resilience, and a good dollop of DIY skills!, will see you through this next chapter. Maybe your dad will be spending a bit less time at the allotment?!

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  18. A fellow blogger tagged mine in a post about how I spend my free time and in turn, I posted and tagged you. I thought it looked like fun and a cool way to share something different. If you don’t want to, it okay, but I hope it will bring some new followers to your fabulous blog. And what better way to include something about that serial leg humper in the post, too.

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  19. I’m so sorry to hear about your house. I can think of several things to call your ex..but I’ll refrain. Extract revenge by turning the wreckage into something beautiful and then rub it in his face.
    In the mean time maybe your dad could put up a shelf so you can have a place to put your toothbrush. 😉

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  20. Serial Shagger is really the pits. Truly sorry about the state of your house and wishing you good luck with the restoration Dallas. I can’t help chuckling though at the thought of your dad suggesting a few shelves in the midst of all that destruction….AND your amazing sense of humour 😀

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