Before the “jilting incident” when I was facing the possibility of lifelong public humiliation and spinsterhood, Serial Shagger and I had promised our friends Jenny and Joshua that we would be both Best Man and Maid of Honour respectively at their nuptials. However, as the situation had changed significantly as their wedding approached, I offered to resign my post to avoid any awkwardness on their special day but Jen had insisted that I carry on; and what the Bride wants the Bride gets! So I reconciled myself to dancing barefoot at the ceremony and braced myself for the wedding rehearsal at the local Parish church.
Subsequently, the following Thursday night after the Bell ringers had finished practising, Jenny, Joshua and wedding party met in the church to be put through our paces by the Vicar; who did a quick double take from me to Simon before he jokingly quipped that he hadn’t ever expected to see the pair of us together again at the altar. I gritted my teeth and smiled whilst contemplating slipping a little “sumthin sumthin” into the communion wine ahead of the next Sunday service.
Simon didn’t appear to be as apprehensive as I about the situation and smarmed his way through the entire proceedings whilst I just secretly visualised him being pursued by a horde of starving cannibals but remembering I was in church tried my best to focus on purer thoughts. Although I did think that as the son of Satan, he was being reckless stepping onto holy ground but then again my Grandma always used to say that “the Devil looks after his own”.
The vicar ran through all the formalities with us and told us what to expect at the ceremony and invited us to ask questions. Once he was satisfied that everyone was familiar with the roles they had to play on the big day he brought the proceedings to an end.
“That wasn’t so bad” Simon beamed at me whilst giving me one of his shit-eating grins; which at one time I would have found irresistible but now just made me cringe.
“Agreed; today I have only imagined killing you three times in my head, whilst a few months ago I would have wanted to have shaved your eyebrows, firebombed your car and shredded your wardrobe, so in that respect Simon, we have indeed moved forward”.
“Do you ever think about us?” Ignoring my horrified expression, he pressed on “No really, we’d have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary so you must wonder where we’d be right now”
Fortuitously, at that moment, Jen and Josh invited us all to join them at the local pub for a drink so we wandered across the road to the Rose & Crown where we sat in the beer garden enjoying the beautiful summer’s evening.
I excused myself after an hour as I had work the next day and Simon followed behind me.
“See you in Church, Angel” he said winking at me as he jumped into his sports car and sped away.
I managed to refrain from waving back at him with a solitary digit whilst thinking that Saturday just might be the longest day of my life.
And if you want to know if they made it to the church on time read what happens next in A Bit Of A Do (Part Two)