Before the “jilting incident” when I was facing the possibility of lifelong public humiliation and spinsterhood, Serial Shagger and I had promised our friends Jenny and Joshua that we would be both Best Man and Maid of Honour respectively at their nuptials. However, as the situation had changed significantly as their wedding approached, I offered to resign my post to avoid any awkwardness on their special day but Jen had insisted that I carry on; and what the Bride wants the Bride gets! So I reconciled myself to dancing barefoot at the ceremony and braced myself for the wedding rehearsal at the local Parish church.
Subsequently, the following Thursday night after the Bell ringers
had finished practising, Jenny, Joshua and wedding party met in the church to be put through our paces by the Vicar; who did a quick double take from me to Simon before he jokingly quipped that he hadn’t ever expected to see the pair of us together again at the altar. I gritted my teeth and smiled whilst contemplating slipping a little “sumthin sumthin” into the communion wine ahead of the next Sunday service.
Simon didn’t appear to be as apprehensive as I about the situation and smarmed his way through the entire proceedings whilst I just secretly visualised him being pursued by a horde of starving cannibals but remembering I was in church tried my best to focus on purer thoughts. Although I did think that as the son of Satan, he was being reckless stepping onto holy ground but then again my Grandma always used to say that “the Devil looks after his own”.
The vicar ran through all the formalities with us and told us what to expect at the ceremony and invited us to ask questions. Once he was satisfied that everyone was familiar with the roles they had to play on the big day he brought the proceedings to an end.
“That wasn’t so bad” Simon beamed at me whilst giving me one of his shit-eating grins; which at one time I would have found irresistible but now just made me cringe.
“Agreed; today I have only imagined killing you three times in my head, whilst a few months ago I would have wanted to have shaved your eyebrows, firebombed your car and shredded your wardrobe, so in that respect Simon, we have indeed moved forward”.
“Do you ever think about us?” Ignoring my horrified expression, he pressed on “No really, we’d have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary so you must wonder where we’d be right now”
“Probably in a solicitor’s office negotiating custody of Hobo and the Panasonic 50″ smart TV”.
Fortuitously, at that moment, Jen and Josh invited us all to join them at the local pub for a drink so we wandered across the road to the Rose & Crown where we sat in the beer garden enjoying the beautiful summer’s evening.
I excused myself after an hour as I had work the next day and Simon followed behind me.
“See you in Church, Angel” he said winking at me as he jumped into his sports car and sped away.
I managed to refrain from waving back at him with a solitary digit whilst thinking that Saturday just might be the longest day of my life.
And if you want to know if they made it to the church on time read what happens next in A Bit Of A Do (Part Two)
How on earth did you manage to keep so cool! Love some of the phrases in here **** eating grin is a classic!
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I’ve refrained from using the expletives that I was thinking in my head!
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Solitary digit, hahahah. You are in great form today, missie!
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And really I just wanted to slash his tyres!
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Brilliant exercise in understated rage, loathing etc… Loved it!
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There was shedloads of loathing going on; that’s a given!
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You are very courageous! I hope your friend, the bride, treasures your friendship for the gem that it is.
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Sometimes you just have to suck it up and get on with it! Besides I like cake.
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I’m just happy that you’re back to fleshing out the adventures you started with. We definitely needed a pre-quel! Hope all is well and wishing you great success in having your dreams come true! 😀
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I hope this year Gunta, that both our dreams come true x
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You are so much of a better person than I am, I have to be honest if it had been me they would still be searching for the parts of him I would have fed to the local pigs xxx
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If I had known a discreet farmer, that may have been an option!
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You really need to write a chic lit novel a la Sophie Kinsella or Jenny Colgan. Your style reminds me of them. Love it!
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Bless you Dorothy; now wouldn’t that be something
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Lol awesone I love it whenever you write of serial shagger. The hatred brings out your best humour 🙂
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Oh he inspires me in every way including my kick boxing classes
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Lol I can relate to that
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Dallas, you make even hate …. into great entertainment. You have such a wit … and brilliant humor. I would hate to be put where you are … with this wedding, but I’m sure that you will make your way through the D-day … without killing him *smile
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Thank you Wivi, it was an incredibly long day in so many ways & but I managed to suck it up in the end without resorting to violence
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Dallas, good on you … it wouldn’t been worth it. It’s all over now … and hopefully it will not repeat itself again. Very strange situation.
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Oh, I can’t wait to read part 2. I have some choice names for S.S. but it might make your mother blush.
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Even though I stopped being twelve sometime ago she still picks up on the occasional expletive slip but it doesn’t stop me thinking it
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You were too kind to give in to the Bride’s entreaty! You’re leading up to something…
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It always has to get worse before it gets better. On another note do you think we could do an update about the work you do with your favourite rescues for one of the 2014 club – I love the stories about the special collars!
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Oh my God, this bloke (finally managed to use this word for once in my life!)) will not leave you in peace! I hope he indulges in too much wine and passes out headfirst in the pudding and that you dance circles around him at the reception (is there a reception?).
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Love the term “bloke” although I can think a few more less choice words for him
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I have great admiration for your self control, Dallas. What a cad he is, and your vicar has a very wry sense of humour, doesn’t he? Looking forward to the next installment. 🙂
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I think a lot of Vicars are frustrated comedians and consider their pulpit “stand up”
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You are my hero, I would have tripped him and then stomped him until he was a broken pile of bones.
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Don’t think for a second, I wasn’t thinking about it
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How you are able to keep your cool is beyond me! You are such a kind soul…I just hope and wish with all of my might that karma bites him right where it hurts…
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You would have done the same for a girlfriend and it was after all just for one day
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True. But still. You’re a saint!
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Tink…I’m proud of you. You have proven the pen is mightier than the ‘pencildick’…oh, sorry, did I say that out loud? Anyway…you showed up with the aplumb of the lady you are. Whereas Simon Says (you have that game there?) should have been covering his head with the Vicor of Dribbley’s long one.
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What a pity he doesn’t know I write about him and it worked for Adele
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Didn’t it ever! See that….you are the Adele of the blogosphere!
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Wow, that is tough! And awkward! I don’t think I could have done it! So good for you! 😉 Can’t wait how it ends, please tell me it ends with him being on fire or something?
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Why liberally dousing him with petrol was one of the things I was thinking about but I thought that possibly drinking shedloads of champagne and ignoring him might just keep me off Death Row
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I always like the Joseph Conrad quote: “Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.”
You are gracious, brilliant and entertaining. You remind me of the Coco Chanel thought: “In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different….”
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I am going to get you to end each post of the 2014 with one of your fab quotes because you always know the right thing to say
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wow wow wow! l’m surprised what l’ve missed all the time l’ve left reading and blogging! But now hopefully l’m back even whatever l do or work… even it’s been a long long while, l feel you as my blogging friend. reading now…
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Nice to hear from you again and I wish my Turkish was as good as your English.
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may be one day? l can help you my friend 🙂 but still..your writing is very good and it’s not that easy me to understand that much multifarious words u use 🙂 and thank you…
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Yes, your grandma was right again. The devil does look after his own… One of the nice things about Simon, now that you’ve gone through all the heartbreak, is that there are no expectations that might break your heart. Maybe you ought to reconsider. You already know the worst about him… I think.
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A brilliant start! Wish Mr. Serial Shagger could read this Dallas 😀
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Aaaah, brilliant! Waiting to know what happened after that…I bet you stepped on his toe with your stiletto heels… For the record, if you need any help in ”101 method” to torture-kill some shagger-shit, do consult me 😉 No fees for You
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Now that I know a real CSI I can dispose of the body and not leave any evidence!
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