A Bit Of A Do (Part Three)

“Fanbloodytastic! I can’t tell Jen, she’s going to think this marriage is jinxed”.

I had wisely asked Jen’s mum to bring along a handbag for me containing my essentials and mobile phone so Sid retrieved that for me on some pretext not wishing to alarm everyone at this stage.

The ushers and I, stood in the graveyard, dialling everybody we knew to see whether we could locate the errant bridegroom. Just as I thought I was going to have to share the heart-breaking news with Jen, one of the ushers shouted “we’ve found him”!

Apparently Serial Shagger and the groom had spent the night at a pub in the next village and as they were so worse for wear the landlord had taken pity on them and allowed them to sleep it off in the bar.

I went inside to let the vicar know we were going to be starting this party a little late and asked whether he would mind making an announcement to the guests. Many upon discovering that the nuptials wouldn’t be starting for some time went outside for a cigarette break and to stretch their legs, as church pews aren’t the most comfortable form of seating.

I could sense the natives getting restless so I asked one of our friends, who was an accomplished musician, if he would mind banging out a few tunes on the church organ, the one donated by my Dad. Who would have thought that the current custodian of those hallowed walls, the vicar, would be rocking Oasis’ “Wonderwall” on a slow Saturday afternoon in July.

Jen was taking the situation rather well and stood quietly talking with her Dad, whilst I was wishing I’d tucked a hip flask into my handbag along with the mobile phone.

Having made our way through the entire Oasis repertoire in the church karaoke session, fortunately we received word that the dynamic duo were on their way to the church and a short while later were seen sprinting across the churchyard.

As they raced past me straightening their cravats, Serial Shagger winked and said “Pleased to see me are you angel, bet you thought I’d stood you up again?”

“The fact that you are here is living proof that the assassins failed yet again and actually for the record, I dumped you and whilst you may think of it as a break up, I like to think of it as dodging a bullet”.

Before he was unable to respond he was promptly escorted away by the Vicar who was keen to get the wedding underway before any further incident dogged the event.

The ceremony went without a hitch although I could tell Jen and Josh were holding their breath when the congregation were asked if “anyone knew any reason…”. Serial Shagger remembered the rings and all the young bridesmaids and page-boy behaved impeccably. Even the sun managed to shine for the photographs.

Simon whispered to me as I was climbing into my Dad’s car to drive to the Hotel for the reception “Well I got him here in the end”.

“Simon, although I’m no cactus expert even I know a prick when I see one”

“Don’t forget to save a dance for me later, babe” he said blowing me a kiss before heading off in the direction of his motor.

Yeah, that wasn’t going to be happening as long as my backside pointed downwards!

Catch A Bit of A Do (Part Four) to see whether it’s a happily ever after or whether it will all end in tears.


53 thoughts on “A Bit Of A Do (Part Three)

  1. The nerve! I am glad you allow us to be the fly on the wall, also I am glad you don’t seem to need our help with great come-backs! haha, big smile on my face and thanks for the prompt publishing 🙂


  2. This was the best line in the post! This is poetic irony at its best. “The ushers and I, stood in the graveyard,IMG_0588 dialling everybody we knew to see whether we could locate the errant bridegroom.” I have a feeling that this isn’t the end of the story!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂


  3. I so want to revenge for you lol but obviously not to spoil the wedding for the newly weds just humiliation for him, just wondered does he know about this blog and if he does I wonder if he reads it and realises what a sleazeball we all think he is lol


  4. For real – to the point where I wish something painful would happen to him to take that ego down a notch. Good grief – is there a factory somewhere that prints these douchebags by the ton as I have dated (and married, once) more than my share. smh (*now anxiously awaiting the next installment 🙂 )


  5. For some reason, I keep seeing flashes of Four Weddings and a Funeral. Simon, as you’ve so clearly showcased over the course of your blogging life, is as conceited, narcissistic, obtuse, a cad your minions are loving to hate…me included, no lie. But, and it’s a big one, you loved this man once, enough to want to spend your life with him. Is there NO redeeming quality to him at all? If not…I think I’d sidestep feeding this lost cause to the hogs and go after his mother instead! She may be the nicest woman in the world for all I know, but I’ve raised sons, and brothers come to that…and they have their issues to be sure…but none of them make women want to castrate them! Just sayin’. (glad for the happy couple though)


    • His parents were good honest working folks much like my own. Both were lovely and if his mother was guilty of anything, I think it would possibly be loving him too much. They’ve been gone for a number of years now so I do think that he does need to take responsibility for his actions and get over his Peter Pan syndrome. We started dating when we were 17 and somehow just rolled along so maybe the fault does lie with me for not having kicked him to the kerb sooner but as he was serving Queen & country for most of his working life, I think we didn’t spend enough time together & that I chose to overlook his faults. Gosh that’s a deep convo for a Monday night, cheaper than therapy too Rhonda, maybe you need to start charging!


  6. Not a Cactus expert? I think you must be one of the foremost in the land! You had me rolling in the aisle. I tell you Dallas, I have to agree with you on this one, definitely dodged the bullet with this one. I hope Jen gave her groom some hell as well.


  7. what great writing as usual, you paint such a colourful description of the events, we imagine being there and feeling the tension, the agitation, the excitement of the day. How come the killer still hasn’t managed to reach the target? should get a better sniper, TinkyTown!


  8. Simon never gives up, does he? So glad the wedding went off okay in the end. I did laugh about you getting someone to entertain the waiting congregation on the organ, Been there, done that, too many times, but it was always the bride who was late. 🙂


  9. What is it about douchebags that gives them such an inflated sense of self? Love that the bride and groom got to the altar, and I just wish you’d had an actual cactus to shove where the prick’s sun doesn’t shine… 😉


  10. That man don’t need a woman in his life .. he are so in love with himself so there is no room for a woman even. I love you sense of humor and killing replays. My kind of woman.
    The cactus comment – just brilliant .. I will remember that one – hopefully I will have no use for it.
    Jen she got her magical day with Josh… and I truly hope for a – happy ever after …. Dallas, you will find your prince too .. but first you have to kiss some frogs and also a toad – the toad you have that behind you. While you waiting for Mr Right .. have fun with all the wrong ones.


  11. As you can see… after being away from the blogs I love to read… for a while… due to the intensity of the life I follow… I am sort of stumbling backwards… but I do enjoy your stories so much… especially this series. Thank you for the amusing presentation.


  12. Simon does have a thick hide! Great comebacks again Dallas. But. “Star Trek “deflector shields” up that are usually reserved for my mother” is a classic!! 😀 Lovin every word…


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