From The Cradle To The Grave Underwear Comes First

Last summer the village had its very own crime wave although the local community constable felt it unnecessary to consult with Scotland Yard. There had been a string of petty thefts from many local gardens and always the perpetrator made away with the same booty; knickers.

It would seem that the local lasses had attracted the attention of a criminal mastermind who had taken to trophy hunting. No house or garden was off-limits to this determined & adept individual who’d scale walls to pull off a heist and soon became known as the Phantom Knicker Picker!

I’m ashamed to say that even Dyson Abbey fell prey to this cunning criminal but frankly anyone brave enough to remove my mother’s newly laundered smalls from our washing line must have had a death wish and/or balls of steel. During a daring dawn raid my titanium re-inforced party pants (my deflector shield in my continued fight against the dark side) were also snatched. It would seem our robber baron did not discriminate in his choice of victim or undergarment and clearly had no shame either.

Until the bandit is apprehended Chez Dyson knickers for the time being will remain secured being dried in our utility room courtesy of Mr Zanussi and not gently caressed by a Devon spring breeze.

Should the stolen swag and the culprit ever be discovered it will be interesting to see if all village ladies will be forthcoming in identifying their own belongings or regretting not hanging out the Victoria Secret’s or Janet Reger lingerie.

Sans my mother's newly laundered smalls

Sans my mother’s newly laundered smalls

31 thoughts on “From The Cradle To The Grave Underwear Comes First

  1. Tink….excuse me for a moment…ROFFL
    This was hilarious.
    “titanium re-inforced party pants (my deflector shield in my continued fight against the dark side)”?…..excuse me again….OMFG ROFFL
    “Should the stolen swag and the culprit ever be discovered it will be interesting to see if all village ladies will be forthcoming in identifying their own belongings or regretting not hanging out the Victoria Secret’s or Janet Reger lingerie.”….excuse me one last time…But I have to go pee now, I can’t take it anymore.

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  2. Hahaha, you and Rhonda between you just made me laugh so much……. My sites hurt 🙂 🙂 one thing surprised me – I thought Janet Reger did not exist anymore. Lovely little shop they used to have in Beauchamplace, Knightsbridge, London.

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  3. Dallas, you’re are just priceless ….. been there myself .. when my knickers was stolen from the line. But I wouldn’t be able to tell my story like you have done. And my knickers came from M&S!!!!! I’m amazed that Scotland Yard .. bothered themselves with ladies under wares.
    On the other hand, I can live with that they take my knickers … so long as they stay out people homes. Fantastic post again, Dallas …
    How is dad doing ???

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  4. Hilarious Dallas but slightly disconcerting. Wobetide anyone who nicked my ‘Harry-hold-you-firms’! It could be a cat – my friends two cats, Dave & Linda, used to bring home socks. They amassed such a huge collection that my friend put them all in a laundry basket on the front path with notice of apology to the neighbours asking them to help themselves to any familiar footwear…

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  5. Made my day!!!This is a case for Sherlock Holmes and John Watson! The game is afoot. I’m rather surprised the Scotland Yard wasn’t involved. There is more than meets the eye – something deeper….

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  6. I just had to go get the Windex to clear my screen of the coffee I spewed all over it. I should know better, obviously though I was unprepared for this one.

    Lordy lordy, steel reinforced yet. How did he bear up under the weight?

    I tell you my friend, you would make a fortune if you set your mind to it. Just collect these wonderful tales and put them in a book.

    Still I have a picture in my mind of the thief. ROFLMAO

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  7. What a cheek! Or should that be two cheeks? 😀 I’ve had washing nicked in South Africa. So annoying. My sister’s art teacher told us that someone came around his area at night, stealing from the wash lines. He was quite upset that the thief didn’t think his non- designer jeans were worth stealing. 🙂 Hugs to your dad from the blonde piano lady. xx

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  8. Another truly hilarious post. While it is amusing to think there is someone stalking people’s yards to steal their underwear (what we call knickers here!), I’m not sure I want to imagine this person’s extra curricular activities or what he (I mean it could be a she but women are not pervy enough to do this in my opinion) decided to do with all his booty. You will have to update should the thief’s stash ever be discovered!

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  9. This is hilarious! I think I’m the only one who dries laundry on a line in the summer in my neighborhood but I’ve never been afraid someone would knick my knickers. I’m more afraid someone would see them! I can’t wait to hear what happens when the thief is caught and the magnitude of his booty is uncovered.

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