Frequently random strangers confide in me the most personal and sometimes shocking or distressing details of their lives in often the most unusual circumstances. Regularly someone will strike up a conversation with me at a bus stop or as a fellow passenger on a train and before long they are disclosing some of their most intimate secrets. Which makes me wonder if confession really is good for the soul and are complete strangers less judgemental than their own nearest and dearest? What courage it must take to confide in an outsider and what prevents them from having the same earnest conversation with their own kin?
Whilst I like to think I’m a good listener the truth of the matter is for my own loved ones I’m probably not as good as I should be. I was born a nurturer with a warrior’s spirit for injustice and as such I just want to help them by putting things right and easing their hurt. I have that Sagittarian outspokenness which seldom means I say the right thing at the right time but in an emergency situation as a “doer” I can be counted on to provide more practical help.
It’s taken me a very long time to learn this but people seldom want my rational kind of help they just want the sympathy of a compassionate and understanding soul for their troubled hearts. So the very next time someone divulges a secret, I’m going to switch my phone off, put the kettle on, sit on my hands and do the hardest thing in the world; shut up and really listen.
Burgh Island, Devon
Very wise observations. I think most of us are probably “fixers” because we want someone to “fix” us. Now that I know discomfort enters our lives to point out something we need to learn, I’m much more likely to be a a loving listener………………to others……..and to myself. It’s in stillness that we learn the secrets to our soul.
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I love the term “fixer” and I loved what you said
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They just want a shoulder
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You are so right
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That happens to me ALL the time, too! I don’t think I look especially compassionate, but time and time again I’ll be told the most personal and often sad things by total strangers.
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I knew we had lots in common! When they tell me the saddest stories I can’t stop thinking about them either
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Maybe it’s cos I was a journalist long time ago or maybe cos I’m the only one in Cali with my face NOT stuck in my smart phone (cos I don’t have one!)
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that is so true, strangers do share more than perhaps they should. It’s as if they are at times they have been sworn to secrecy and by telling a stranger they have kept it of sorts, believing the details will go no further
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I also feel that confession really is good for the soul and they get a sense of relief from carrying the burden around with them
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I’ve found that to be one of the most difficult things to do…especially when you’re seeing warning signs blinking in NEON hazards as they speak. But I’ve also learned that it’s better to give advice when solicited, and then, only once…and not to judge if they choose to go their own way as it’s their life and they’re the ones who have to deal with the consequences. I’ve also found that they’re more willing to come to you when they truly need you if you choose to go the support route v. the preachy one. (Still, SOOOOO not easy.)
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Kitt, I hear you and don’t want me friends making the same mistakes as me but sometimes you just gotta let it go.
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Exactly.
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Your post is appropriate for me today. I’m sitting here waiting for a friend to come over who texted me last night and asked if she could talk to me today. I don’t know what she needs or wants to talk about only that she seemed distressed and very grateful that I was willing to listen to what she had to say. I’ve gotten better over the years at letting people talk it out before giving any advice and this is just a reminder for me to “zip it” and just listen. Gracias!
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You need to share your secret with me as I’m just not very good at the listening thing but as I’m still a work in progress its one of the things I’m working on (my intentions are good though)
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Not everyone is looking for a solution – sometimes we just want to purge. Thanks for the reminder.
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Sorry Mary how remiss of me to overlook your comment. I like th term “purge” it kinda makes me somehow feel like a counsellor and I want to say in Frasier style “I’m listening” (which of course, I don’t do very well)
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They may just want a comforting shoulder but they chose your shoulder – if they didn’t want someone to help they shouldn’t have picked you! Carry on giving out advice – I’d treasure it myself. Jx
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I’m not sure I’m the right person to be handing out advice especially as a runaway bride but if they take away something from my experience then all’s not lost x
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My friends would often start their confessions/problem talk with: “Leo, I just want you to listen and shut up.” And I obliged, however, a day later I give them my opinion lol
But generally, people just want/need to vent.
Have a nice week!
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You must be one of those kindly souls that people naturally gravitate towards! You have a cracking week too
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That is a very hard lesson to learn. Your friends are fortunate to have you along on their journeys.
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Not quite sure they’d see it that one but I do have a substantial supply of my Dad’s homemade wine available
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It is sometimes easier to tell a stranger a huge truth because they can’t judge, don’t know you and can’t hold whatever you unleash against you in the future. For me, it’s hard to shut up and listen (shocker, I know) because I want to try and help fix it. I’ll remember this post next time that happens!
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Megan, surprisingly I suffer from the same syndrome! But I don’t have a comprehensive cocktail stash
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I will help your stash become more comprehensive. I promise!
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You have opened a very complex dialogue, especially for a “fixer” type of person. (Yes, I fall into that category as well) I once had a brilliant professor for a business organizational type of course. He was a trained psychologist. I asked him what he did when people came to him to discuss their problems. What advice did he give them? He replied that he didn’t give them any advice – they really didn’t want to hear, they wanted to talk. They just needed to sort it out and have someone as a sounding board. But there came a time, when they needed to make a decision on their own. There is a time for speaking, for listening, but most importantly there is a time to decide, to chose.
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He sounds a very intelligent man who somehow “knows” people; think I would have liked him
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And he would have enjoyed your fresh approach to life!!! 🙂 ❤
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You are definitely speaking my language.
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I have a Sagittarian friend who fits the bill exactly. 🙂 I’m sure I could pour my heart out to you. 🙂
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Sometimes I need to engage my brain before opening my mouth as sensitive souls find me a bit too direct
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I’m a Scorpio but I find that all too hard to do as well 🙂
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